What’s in a onesie?
It’s no surprise to anyone that I’m done having kids. Mentally, I’m tapped out. There’s only so much of me to go around and with four kids, most days I’m spread thin. While I know I could do it, should a fifth kid magically arrive, I don’t want to. That’s the difference. I can do a lot of things. Doesn’t mean I want to.
I have zero regrets, making that final decision to be done. None at all.
That said, I’m still allowed to be an emotional basket case when it comes to letting go.
I spent last week cleaning out the girls’ room and reorganizing, adding storage to their closet and bookcases. During that, I discovered a bag of 6-9 month clothes that needed to go up into the attic.
Then I thought, why? Why waste the time? A good friend of mine was going to be travelling back to our hometown for a baby shower, and figured why not unload all my baby girl clothes on her?
She happily accepted all the items I tossed at her (six bags, two boxes, a jumparoo, bumbo chair, mobile, crib toy and a manly diaper bag.) She’s set! It’s less junk in my house! Win, win!
Maybe it’s because I’m getting over a stomach virus, but when Matt brought down box after box of 0-6 month baby clothes, I got emotional.
(Just typing that last sentence is making me tear up.)
I have zero regrets. I’m glad I’m done. It’s that – my kids, the ones that I’ve bathed and dressed and helped them be who they are now - they grew too quickly. The time I had with them in their 3-6 month Penguins onesie was too short. The love onesie that Matt dressed Audrey in every Saturday I’d work, it went too fast. The mint green hippo onesie that my mom bought for Claire, the outfit she wore when we brought her home from the hospital, that memory is a blur.
I woke up this morning with a six year old Claire snuggled up next to me, and I thought, while she can’t fit into that onesie anymore, why should I give away that memory?
So after breakfast I went through those six bags of clothing and retrieved about 10 onesies that immediately made me weepy. Jen won’t miss those items when she sees how much other stuff she’s getting and I won’t feel regret giving away those memories.
It’s a common misconception that when women say they miss snugly little babies, they have baby fever, and want another baby. Maybe that’s true. But for me, it’s not that I want another baby, I just wanted the babies I already have to have stayed babies a little bit longer. You know the saying “The days are long but the years are short?” They’re not joking.
While I may have a zillion photos of my kids from all various stages of life, they’ll never be that tiny sleeping baby in the swing anymore. Every time I hold one of their hands, I think, how much longer do I have before that hand grows bigger? When Audrey crawls up to my leg and stands, I wonder, how much time is left before she never does that again.
You never know when the last time something happens until it’s done.
So today, I sat in the hallway and had myself a good cry and I set those onesies aside. Maybe I’ll turn them into a quilt or something, I don’t know. But what I do know is that over the years I’ve let go of a lot of things, I’m just not ready to let go of this yet.
And that’s OK.