I must be missing my Army days…
Working out. Yes, it’s such a tired old subject these days. Why do that when you can take this magic pill or do some two day Hollywood fast or even (my personal favorite) do Nutrisystem? I mean, all those AWESOME commercials showing tasty plastic-looking food… and they don’t even supply you with all you need to create these ‘delicious’ meals. (I tend to read the fine print at the bottom of the screen.)
Matt always comments on Jillian Barberie’s boobs. “Seriously,” he’ll say disgusted, “Are those things always hanging out?” or sometimes, “Holy boobs.” So, me being the inquisitive person I am Googled her. And yes, in fact, they are always hanging out since the first thing that popped up were nine pictures of her, all with her boobs in full view. Good for her to lose the weight, especially since I’m sure her boobs would have been hanging out regardless. Thanks but no thanks, I don’t need to see huge saggy boobs today. I’m a nurse, remember. Seeing saggy body parts comes with the job.
I work out typically 4 or 5 times a week. With the little ones, it can be difficult, but usually all I have to do is pop Luca in his swing and tell Claire it’s time to exercise. She then immediately lays on the floor and puts her legs in the air and does the bicycle. I enjoy going for walks at Hartwood Acres, but sometimes usually it’s impossible to coordinate the kids for such an event, so I rely on my secret love, Tamilee Webb. For those of you who aren’t well versed in Aerobic Instructors, she is the Buns of Steel genius. This chick really knows her stuff and has a masters degree to prove it.
A few weeks ago, I was upset that I hadn’t yet gotten my work out in and I was super excited to try a new video that I borrowed from Lynn. (Note: Lynn is my Mom. A few years back I started calling her Lynn just to irritate her. Now it’s habit. I swear I do love her.) Matt knew that the video was from Mom so he deduced that this would be a ridiculously hard video being as she’s a work out Nazi. So Matt said, “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of the kids, you do your thing.” Translation: “Claire will entertain herself in the sandbox because this I’ve got to see.” I gave him the speech, “If you so as much make a comment, snicker or even hint at laughing, I will kill you.” He silently sat on the couch and watched what may go down in history as the greatest interpretation of a work out…ever.
I popped in the DVD, I Want That Body by Tamilee Webb. I had previously done her ab workout years back when I had on demand. Sure I was 20, skinny, relatively in shape and hadn’t had kids yet. But I vaguely remembered I hated myself for a few days after the work out. This should be fun, I thought.
I figured I’d just go straight for the toughest program possible and went with the I Want Those Buns section, because I truly wanted that ass. It can’t be that hard, right?
I hate lunges. Can I just say how much I hate lunges? I’ve hated lunges since I was a teenager. Hate lunges. Loathe. So on our third exercise, she cuts right to it and goes for lunges. I knew that would be coming since they probably work. I wouldn’t know because I’ve avoided them like the plague. Ok, I think, one set of lunges. I can do this. Then she does another fancy lunge with a kick, then another lunge with a knee up…lunge after lunge after lunge. I wanted to die. Matt on the other hand was getting close to dying from holding his breath. He didn’t want to laugh out loud…but if looks could kill, I would have killed him.
Tamilee then says, “I love lunges, because they work!” to which I said, “I hate you.”
I’m completely out of breath and can barely see straight (I’m being slightly dramatic) when she says, “Back to the beginning, squats.” Now, I may be near death at this point, but my mind is sharp. “Is she fucking kidding me?” Matt, who has since moved on to working on his computer says, “I’m pretty sure she’s not.” One more set…you can do it. You went through basic training, damnit, this is nothing!
The second set wasn’t so bad. I started to pat myself on the back when I hear her say, “OK, last set! Squats!” Seriously, Cassie, you did basic when you were 17! You’re no spring chicken these days. Quit while you’re ahead.
I then told myself to put up or shut up, so I proceeded to swear at the TV for the remaining set. The transcript is as follows:
Tamilee: “Time for old Sumo.” (The sumo squats from hell.)
Me: “I hate you, you jerk-face.” (Claire just walked in the room. No need for profanity.)
Tamilee: “You better not be sitting there watching me!”
Me: “Seriously, chick? You think I’m this out of breath from watching you? I’m not some horny boy, damnit.”
Tamilee: “Get that butt back, c’mon you can do better than that!”
Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, but the uncontrollable shaking I have in my legs is YOUR FAULT YOU CRAZY, CRAZY WOMAN.”
Tamilee: “Now we’re going to combine this last exercise. Two exercises in one!”
Me: S*** F*** H*** D***
Tamilee: “Great job! Let’s stretch it out.”
Me: …..(I’m laying on the floor at this point)
I’ve since done that exercise pretty much every chance I can get because I hate sucking at something. There are things I know I’m terrible at, for example, being patient. Yah, not so much. But something like an exercise video? Seriously? C’mon.
Tamilee Webb. I love to hate you. But mostly I love you because I’m fitting back into my size 8 jeans again. So for that, I hope you don’t mind the excessive swearing I do at you. You really are my hero.