I got my head shrunk today
It may come as a surprise to most that I’m suffering from some Post Partum Depression. But for those who have known me for a while now probably aren’t. I’d rather not talk about it because it’s…well…depressing, but to put it in writing and get it out there…I don’t know, maybe it will help.
Depression for me dates back to when a good friend of mine died in a car wreck shortly after he graduated from high school in 2000. I was 15. Being young and impressionable I spiraled downward and began cutting.
Fast forward to 2004. I call this the ‘lost year.’ Simply because it was depressing, dark, scary at times and something I never EVER want to have happen to me again. I lived alone in a studio apartment where there was a homeless guy who’d sleep at the foot of the stairs. I barely grocery shopped, worked 60+ hours a week and could give a damn what happened to me. I’d hang out with the cooks after work and play poker with them, drinking in excess at times and being your basic reckless fool. It didn’t stop until I met Matt and even then, it was a long…long way back to normal.
So when I started to have that familiar twinge of sadness, I ignored it, chalking it up to a newborn and sleep deprivation. When I stopped going to Hartwood and running, I figured I was just being lazy. However, when I stopped talking to Matt and would stare blankly at the computer screen hoping to avoid any form of conversation, I panicked. I was getting easily angered, I didn’t want to play with the kids and worst of all I enjoyed doing absolutely nothing.
I was searching around on a favorite blog of mine www.dooce.com and found a particular entry that said everything I couldn’t.
After reading that I found the courage to say something to my Mom and Matt. Then I called my doctor.
Today was my first day of therapy. *sigh* It’s going to be a long road ahead, but I had a good day and noticed that Luca’s eyes matched the blue sky.
I will get better.