Postpartum depression revisited.

You know how when something happens to you, during it all, it’s the worst thing ever…but then when you’re better, you forget all about it?

I never want to forget how I felt.

When I was actively suffering from PPD I felt like the walls were closing in on me. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror and I couldn’t look my husband in the eyes. Mostly, I hated myself and I hated who I was. I didn’t want to do anything; I didn’t want to smile, I didn’t want to play with my kids, I didn’t want to go outside on a beautiful sunny day.

I had no ambition to shower, it was such a chore. I couldn’t talk about it without starting to tear up. I was never happy… I just wanted to be happy.

My body ached. It was a ¬†constant reminder of how I haven’t had my body to myself in over two years. Between being pregnant with Claire, nursing her until the day I found out I was pregnant with Luca, then nursing him…I just wanted my body back. I longed for my body back.

Work was the only place I felt whole, useful and put together. I would think about the kids and how much I love them and missed them, but as soon as I’d get home, I was ready to leave again.

I felt as though I had let Matt down. That I wasn’t as strong as I could be. That I was lazy.

As much as I know it didn’t affect him, I am still afraid that Luca won’t love me as he should because of it. That he feels some sort of disconnect from me because of the lack of attention and smiles I denied him. Now, he only sees me as his source of food and comfort. I only hope he still loves me when the food runs dry.

I lost touch with Matt, the most important adult in my life. He would constantly ask what he could do to make me better. He would go out of his way to keep the kids away from me so I could have ‘me’ time. But then I’d feel guilty that I had to have ‘me’ time and that the kids had to keep away from me. I was a monster.

Now I feel myself, happy and able to speak about it without getting upset. I can smile. I look at myself in the mirror and feel like a good, confident Mom. I love my kids. I love myself. I love life.

I never want to feel that way again.


About Cassie

Two sisters from two misters. What could be more fun?

Posted on December 6, 2009, in Cassie and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. Cassie, that’s an amazing post. An inspiring look at the dark times from the perspective and better health and hope. I’m no mother and not even a parent, but I know that kids are amazingly resilient and that the most important time for you and your kids is right now. And it sounds like “now” is a pretty good place. We all wish we were better people way back when. Your desire to love your kids and to give them your best comes through your writing and will make you a great mom.

    The psychiatrist is OUT, Charlie Brown.

  2. It’s so wonderful that you’re willing to talk about this in a public forum. Far too many women experience guilt and shame about this condition over which they have no control. Kudos to you!

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