Postpartum depression revisited.
You know how when something happens to you, during it all, it’s the worst thing ever…but then when you’re better, you forget all about it?
I never want to forget how I felt.
When I was actively suffering from PPD I felt like the walls were closing in on me. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror and I couldn’t look my husband in the eyes. Mostly, I hated myself and I hated who I was. I didn’t want to do anything; I didn’t want to smile, I didn’t want to play with my kids, I didn’t want to go outside on a beautiful sunny day.
I had no ambition to shower, it was such a chore. I couldn’t talk about it without starting to tear up. I was never happy… I just wanted to be happy.
My body ached. It was a constant reminder of how I haven’t had my body to myself in over two years. Between being pregnant with Claire, nursing her until the day I found out I was pregnant with Luca, then nursing him…I just wanted my body back. I longed for my body back.
Work was the only place I felt whole, useful and put together. I would think about the kids and how much I love them and missed them, but as soon as I’d get home, I was ready to leave again.
I felt as though I had let Matt down. That I wasn’t as strong as I could be. That I was lazy.
As much as I know it didn’t affect him, I am still afraid that Luca won’t love me as he should because of it. That he feels some sort of disconnect from me because of the lack of attention and smiles I denied him. Now, he only sees me as his source of food and comfort. I only hope he still loves me when the food runs dry.
I lost touch with Matt, the most important adult in my life. He would constantly ask what he could do to make me better. He would go out of his way to keep the kids away from me so I could have ‘me’ time. But then I’d feel guilty that I had to have ‘me’ time and that the kids had to keep away from me. I was a monster.
Now I feel myself, happy and able to speak about it without getting upset. I can smile. I look at myself in the mirror and feel like a good, confident Mom. I love my kids. I love myself. I love life.
I never want to feel that way again.