stop and smell the baby hair
Last night I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. As much as anyone can say I’m a fantastic Mom, I still have the right to feel less than adequate at times. So I made up for it.
Luca had cried himself to sleep, which makes me feel absolutely miserable. Not to mention, even hours after he fell asleep, he was still sniffling. It’s enough to make a big, tough, no emotion man cry. Seriously.
I tucked Claire into bed, took a shower and then went back to check on Claire. She was still awake and singing to herself softly. I crawled into bed to her surprise and we talked for 20 minutes until she fell asleep. The last thing she said to me, “Mama, you do such cool stuff…you have a Dyson, the steam cleaner…” Then she fell asleep. She was delirious, clearly. (And isn’t it awesome that she calls it Dyson?)
I gave her a kiss, whispered “I love you,” and closed her door.
I then sighed and went into Luca’s room. He was laying in his crib with his arm hanging out of the side, every so often making a sniff-sniff-sniff-sigh sound. I grabbed his baby blanket and picked him up. He was still asleep, but laid his head against my chest and slightly whimpered.
I had such a terrible ache in my chest. If you’re a parent, you can understand. And even if you’re not, I’m sure you could… The thought that my baby was sad, even if just for a moment, well it’s enough to make me crazy. The fact that he was sad because of me is even worse.
I sat in the glider and rocked him in the dark. It was quiet, except for the fan blowing in the hallway. The soft blue night light cast a gentle glow in the nursery. The ceiling fan was making Luca’s hair blow in the breeze and he breathed ever so softly.
There we sat. He’s getting so big, I thought, I won’t be able to do this much longer. I’m going to miss my little-baby-man… When was the last time I did this? And I leaned over and smelled his baby hair and smiled wide. It smelled like shampoo and baby. If you’ve ever smelled a baby’s head, it’s like nothing else. He still has that newborn smell to him. It made me feel so…good. So very, very good.
I whispered him secrets, rubbed his back, and loved every moment of it.
We sat there for an hour or so until I realized I had fallen asleep. I laid him back down in his crib and I could tell he felt better, too.
That was the best night’s sleep I have gotten in ages.