An open letter to my neighbor

Dear Passive-Aggressive Neighbor Two Blocks Away:

Let me start by saying I don’t know you from Adam. Personally, after your comment today, I really could care less and less about you. Plus, I remember, you never hand out candy on Halloween. And you wanted Fred Thompson for president.

If your daily plan is to sit smugly on your front stoop, reading your Conservative propaganda after dinner and wait for some unsuspecting, fellow neighbor to walk their dog, you are one sad, sad man. Worse? You sit there for upwards of twenty minutes and wait for them to come back before you tell them that the dog is not allowed to poop in your yard. Regardless if the dog’s owner picked up the poop. Because we did.

And please, for the sake of my kids’ ears, if you ever again say, “Don’t let your dog shit on my lawn again,” in front of them, you will hear it from me. Also, there’s really no need to shout shit. I’m pretty sure I understood without the emphasis.

I think it’s safe to say that I had remained relatively calm. But seriously, dude. You need to understand that when I said, “We followed the law and picked up her poop,” I really meant that no laws were broken. And really, if you wanted to call the cops as you suggested, I’d have been more than happy to wait for them to show up. I love wasting middle-aged Republican’s times.

Also – did you realize that your long lost twin is Rush Limbaugh? Because your profile is uncanny.

Furthermore, when my husband promptly responds, “Sure,” and nothing more, it isn’t an open invitation for you to continue on. Because then, this then pisses me off and causes me to get upset. I don’t like being that way. But you had it coming to you.

And kudos to me for not swearing.

And extra kudos to Matt swearing for me. But not at you. You didn’t deserve a response. You deserve a blog written about you.

Lastly, you need a hobby. I am all for making replica airplanes or ships in a bottle. My thoughts of what your current hobbies are (but not limited to) puppy kicking, gay bashing, swearing at little kids, and gluttony.

So please, next time you need something better to do, go masturbate. Clearly, it’s exactly what you need.

With kindest regards,

Cassie

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About Cassie

Two sisters from two misters. What could be more fun?

Posted on August 20, 2010, in Cassie and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 13 Comments.

  1. I had a neighbor do the same thing not too long ago. He accused my dog of shitting on the sidewalk. He claimed to recognize it as hers. Even though I was, as always, across the street and picking it up. (And my dog never goes on a sidewalk. That would be gauche.)

    Here’s to two tickets on the Karma Train for these two small-minded, hate-filled, fear-driven bags of douchery.

  2. If it’s me, I go over there one night and shit in the yard, myself. That’ll teach him.

  3. Apparently this is a national phenomenon. Before we moved, we lived in town houses and we had a neighbor who would watch me through the blinds and as soon as I stepped outside with Leela she would run outside and literally start screaming at me to pick up after my dog (which we always did). She called me names, left scoopers on my porch. She did it to other neighbors too and when we called the home owners association about the harassment, they informed us we were not the first (or the second) to complain.

    Mark got tired of her BS and tried to talk to her, but she just screamed at him and pretended like she couldn’t hear him (she wore a hearing aid), so he got tired of it and flipped her off. She demanded he apologize. Um, I think not nut case. Thank goodness we moved away from her.

    I hope your psycho neighbor gets a grip soon, or at least some xanax.

    • Our neighbor across the way had these two Golden Retrievers that would get loose all the time and come crap in our yard. She never once picked it up and would send her 5 year old granddaughter out to get the dogs back.

      I finally got fed up, scooped up the poop in a bag, walked across the way and dropped it on their front stoop.

      That was the last time that happened for a long time.

  4. What does being a republican have to do with this rude neighbor? I really get you don’t like republican values(from your posts lately). I really feel not welcome here-I liked to read your cute stories about your kids,hospital,etc. We are very similar-I like to exercise,I was in the Army,I work in a hospital too-but I have been quite offended here lately. I am republican. I don’t watch Rush Limbaugh or hate gays. We may not think politically the same,but isn’t that OK? It is your blog, you can write whatever you like(I actually like that about blogs),but I really don’t get what this obviously mean,troubled,bored neighbor did to you and Republicans have in common.

    • He is known in our neighborhood for all the above reasons. He is openly anti-gay, anti-free thinking and very, very mean. He tends to walk up and down the street and looks to pick fights. Last election, he went and wrote on people’s signs for Obama – stating that they needed to educate themselves and not like “Darkies.”

      I am not a Democrat, nor a Republican. I am really smack dab in the middle. I simply have a low tolerance for ignorance and “putting themselves first” politicians.

      And personally, you can believe whatever you want to. I’m simply writing here about a man who took a good walk and a good afternoon away from us by being smug, arrogant, and completely unkind. In front of my kids, no less.

      And never once did I say that Republicans hate gays. I’m just pretty sure he does.

      Lastly, I’m glad we have things in common. But, really, if by me saying a few mean things about one Republican in particular gets you all upset, perhaps you need to be a bit less sensitive or learn to read around the written words.

      I’m only human.

  5. I actually read this a few days ago, and every time I think about it, I fume.

    Why does every neighborhood always have to have one neighbor who’s all OCD about dog shit?!

    Kudos to you for not beating his fat ass and/or choking him out with your dog’s leash. May the Viagra he obviously needs give him a stroke that renders him unable to speak.

    I think I need to relax.

    • Yah. He’s pretty ridiculous. However, this was nothing compared to the usual shenanigans I hear he’s prime for. My favorite story is that his kids moved to a new house and said it wasn’t good enough, so he built them a new one in our plan. Then they complained that it wasn’t quality enough.

  6. I have lot’s of revenge tactics….fill out every magazine subscription you can find with his name and address. I bet he doesn’t cancel the porn. Fork his yard-one night just go put 100 plastic forks in his lawn. Or better yet, spray his yard with sugar water. The bugs it attracts will do the rest. I’m not evil by nature, I swear.

  1. Pingback: A Lesson in Compassion « Sisters From Different Misters

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