watching men jerk-off

Woah! Wait! No! Not for real!

I watched this:

And boy was I amazed. Men. Using the shake weight. Working on definition. Working on speed. Inertia.

And oh hell, it looks like they’re rubbing one off.

C’mon boys! Do you really think that you’d get ginormous bulging biceps by fake masturbation? Sure, the weight is an actual weight…but…LOOK AT HOW YOU USE IT!

I’m simply amazed. And, in all actuality, it probably works. But really. I’d LOVE to see them get these at my gym. There’s be nothing more embarrassing – yet can’t look away –  about the whole mechanics of it all.

In all my days, I’ve only seen it live once. And it was at work. And it was unfortunate. And it made me look for bleach for my eyeballs.

Just thinking about the scene in American Beauty makes me squeemish.

Seriously, I have nothing against the act. Do it! DO IT! I just don’t want to see it. For reals.

Off subject – but I’ve never in my day, ever seen a porno. I’m feeling a bit empty at this moment.

Back on subject! Working out, hand weights, lewd gestures. This is a family blog! No, not really. So let’s continue on.

It’s at 0.15 that I just can’t stop giggling. And prior to that! All the sounds! The grunting! Giggle, giggle! But the dude just can’t handle it. Muscley arm man can’t hack it.

Now at 0.34, that’s where it really heats up. They bring in the s-l-o-w motion. I really needed that.

(Matt’s in the background saying, “That’s the gayest thing I’ve ever seen.” Yet he laughs, too.)

And boy, doesn’t this man think he’s the shit by having to double fist the weight? Ambitious.

(Matt shakes his head.)

So what do you think, guys? 29.95 plus shipping and handling? And an Iron Clad Kick Butt Guarantee!

“Whew. That’s it.” Only 60 seconds? Really?

I want a man. Perhaps I have to pay premium for that.

At least they make these in men. Except I’m married. And pregnant. And happy.

And ick. Ick, ick, ick.

This post has gone all wrong. All terribly, terribly wrong.