ridding of the plague and trying to stay legal
I got home from work today at 3:45 and at 4 o’clock when my step-dad left from watching the kids, I immediately started to clean. I Dysoned, I mopped, I scrubbed. Come hell or high water, I will rid my house of the plague that has come upon us. (Luca has a fever now.) Not to mention my house smells super duper clean.
So yesterday’s supposed to be funny post turned depressing was this: I’m trying to stay legal. After I got my speeding ticket a few weeks back I’m super paranoid. For example: I was driving home from the doctors one time or another, since we friggin’ live there, and a cop car came rushing behind me, sirens blaring. Oh shit. I thought. What did I do THIS time? But I pulled to the side, as did everyone else in traffic, and the cop continued to drive to his destination. Not two days later did another cop come rushing up behind me. Really? I mean, REALLY? And so again, I pulled to the side and the cop went past me and stopped the car about a mile ahead of me. I was going to laugh, but I thought better of it, since that was totally me not too long ago. And karma, as we all know, is a bitch.
So I decided to do something crazy. Ridiculous. Unheard of.
I decided to drive the speed limit for one day.
And let me tell you, as a woman who’s gone through basic training, child birth twice and nursing school, this was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do before.
I’m your typical driver who hovers around 7-10 mph over the speed limit. I don’t really see much harm in that. I mean, OK, so sue me, on 28, where the speed limit is 55, I tend to drive that at 75. But really, everyone does. For real.
And have you ever experienced what 55 mph feels like when the speed limit is in fact 55? Good lord I felt like a snail. I felt like I was 80. I felt…so…legal. It was actually really scary.
I really didn’t like it.
So to stick to my goal, I drove with my cruise control set. Not only did I piss off half of Pittsburgh, I really realized one thing: I care WAY too much about what other people think of me when driving. I didn’t want to anger the other drivers. I stayed in the right lane. Trust me – I had no one to pass, as they were all passing me.
I drove out past Kittanning (for you parish-livers out there, it’s about 30 minutes away) to meet my Mom to do a Claire swap. And it was painful. Utterly painful. I drove the speed the law wanted me to. Blasted law. And I got there in 30 minutes. A trip that typically takes me 20. *eyeroll*
But then, I realized that driving the speed limit only added 10 minutes to my trip. 10 minutes. That’s it. My best friend died driving too fast. All for what? 10 minutes? I just spent 10 minutes explaining to Claire the benefits of not sitting 10 inches away from the TV:
“In fact, if you notice, you can now see the entire screen and the colors don’t all blur together anymore. Isn’t that pretty cool?”
“Mama. Luca’s standing next to the TV.”
“Yes, I understand this. But I can boss you around because you listen. Luca has the attention span of a gnat. Plus he’s not leaning in to the TV. He’s just standing there, about 2 feet away. Not plastering his face to the screen.”
“What’s a gnat?”
“It’s a really small bug.”
“So small there could be one on your nose right now and you’d never know.”
“There’s a bug on my face?”
“Oh, I don’t know that. I was just giving you an example.”
“What’s an example?”
“It’s a sample of something.”
“Yes. Something. Anything.”
“I want an example of cookies.”
See? 10 minutes right there.
I do have to say, I cheated once during my driving excursions yesterday: I drove ‘normal’ for about 10 miles because I had to pee. Bad. And if you’ve never been pregnant, then you can’t judge. I even think a police officer would let me out of that ticket. Especially if I peed myself.
Oooh. Idea for the future.
So. I tried to be legal for a day. I failed. But hey, I tried. I’m not a reckless driver, at least. I just happened to have PA plates in Ohio. Damn elitists. Wait, Ohio houses the Browns, odd smells and Ohio State. Plus it’s the most annoying state to drive through when you’re going to Minnesota. And it really smells funny – second only to Gary, Indiana.
No. I really love Ohio. It has the Cleveland Clinic, the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame, Chillicothe*, and Robin Meade from HLN is from there. And isn’t Bluzdude? Don’t know if his memory can go that far back these days…
*I got to go to Chillicothe once when Matt had business there. Can I just say that it was pretty interesting? Out of about 15 stop signs I saw, only one hadn’t yet been vandalized. My favorite by far was “STOP HAMMER TIME.” I really wanted to take that one and only stop sign that was still a virgin and write “DON’T STOP ‘TIL YOU GET ENOUGH.”
Anyone? Anyone? Dang.