Conversations with my step-dad
Sent at 1:00 PM on Monday
me: I’m bored.
Joseph: I’m reading “The Wasteland.” Death and destruction and lots of whining. I do so love my job.
me: Sounds fun. I just called the stupid state of Ohio to find out what I owed for my ridiculous speeding ticket.
Joseph: They didn’t tell you on the ticket?
me: No. He said I had to call. They’re fancy over in Boardman
Joseph: I’m not sure “fancy” is the word I’d use. Sounds more like they want to be pains in the asses.
me: What pisses me off the most is that I was coming from a police officer’s wedding. Don’t they have loyalties to that? He’s my brother in law, now. I’m related to a police officer. I should be exempt from that stuff. The only upside to my ticket was that he wrote my weight in (since you know they aren’t on our licenses) as 120. He’s either delusional, in need of glasses or well trained.
Joseph: Well, they have to know that first. I’m not sure they can just sniff and smell a cop’s relative. Ya know, if you’re going to get a speeding ticket, at least get one in some place more interesting than Ohio.
me: And I was only going 75 in a 65! I never even got to go for the gusto. He asked me where I was going and I said I just came from a wedding where my new brother in law is a cop and he STILL didn’t care. And Claire’s in the backseat saying, “Thank you for your service, police officer!”
Joseph: Leave it to you to get a ticket from an ethical cop. And 75? Geez, that’s the prevailing speed in most places–he must have been in a pissy mood. And I bet that on some level Claire knew she was messing with your head. I’m teaching her well.
me: That’s what I get for teaching my kid kindness. From now on I’ll teach her to stomp on people’s toes. Starting with yours. Hey, did you hear?
Joseph: Hear what?
me: About the Phillies.
Joseph: Don’t go there. If you do, I may have to ask have you heard about the Vikings.
me: I hate the Vikings.
Joseph: Yeah, Favre really needs to retire. He and Roethlisberger can start a pimping service for professional athletes.
me: Oooh. Smart idea!
Joseph: To be fair, Favre claims it wasn’t his junk in the photos. Like I really needed to know that. Now you know why I read things like The Wasteland.
me: I mean, own up to your manhood! However, I heard it wasn’t too impressive.
Joseph: Didn’t really need to know that either. There’s really not much I need to know–I just want to watch TV.
me: Perhaps it’s too much tv you’re watching?
Joseph: Never. Blasphemy. They used to burn people at the stake for saying things like that.
me: I miss 24. Life isn’t the same since Jack Bower signed a movie deal.
Joseph: Any idea when the movie’s coming out?
me: According to IMDB it’s due out in 2012. And I expect 24 movies or 24 hours.
Joseph: You do have high expectations. Wouldn’t Kiefer Sutherland be, like, 80 by the time #10 came out?
me: He’s like the new Chuck Norris.
Joseph: I saw the most recent Indiana Jones movie with Harrison Ford, who I think is in his 60s. It was painful to watch. And isn’t Chuck Norris dead or comatose or something, or is that just his acting technique I’m thinking of?
me: Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn’t built up the courage to tell him yet.
Joseph: Send him an email. Or text him. U r ded c u n hel.
me: Apparently he’s a good Christian boy who stands for everything I’m against. Mom made me Wikipedia him.
Joseph: Sounds like most of my voting choices this year. Just once, I’d like a candidate who’s not ashamed to say “elect me because I’m a whole lot smarter than you.”
me: Ha! Alright. It’s time for me to do something productive. I’m going to eat one of the doughnut muffins I made yesterday. With milk.
Joseph: That’s a definition of productive I can appreciate. Unfortunately, I still have to muck my way through The Wasteland. You’d think I’d know better by now. But I don’t.