Thinking out loud

Over at BitchBurgh, Hot Mama wrote a post that really hit home. Please read it.

I’ve been having a problem lately and I haven’t been able to talk about it. Somewhere between the PPD, the Celexa and the ‘being healed,’ I changed. And I’m not sure it’s for the better.

How do I put this? Well. Here’s what’s going on in my brain:

I’ve run out of ideas. I’ve run out of things to do. Life has become so mundane, so boring, so…everyday. And every day the kids and I go to the gym and come home and I make lunch, they nap, they watch a few tv shows while I make dinner and then Matt gets home and I quit.

Sometimes on Sundays I bake.

I can’t go 24 hours without checking Facebook. And as I commented on BitchBurgh’s blog:

What’s on your mind?
I suck at life.

Long version:
I’ve contemplated deactivating my account for months now. I have a problem, and I’ll admit it. It really makes no difference to me what Suzie Q is doing at this very moment, but it’s outside of these four walls that keep me contained. I’m pregnant. I’m tired. It’s not easy to lug around two kids 3 and 17 months. It’s expensive to take them to the zoo and the Aviary all the time. I get bored playing outside. I’m tired of the same tv shows.

Sometimes Facebook is my outlet and sometimes it’s my scapegoat. I don’t have my priorities straight and it scares me. What scares me more is that I have absolutely no will power. I don’t want to wake up some day and realize that my kids grew up and I spent every day on facebook. I’m better than that.

But I don’t know where to begin. I don’t know where to start. I don’t know where I went wrong. They say to fix the problem you have to find out why it happened. I don’t know why it happened. I don’t know why I care more about what some stupid high school loser is doing vs my kids. I don’t know when the TV became a substitute for my entertainment.

I used to believe the phrase, “It’s OK to take a break once and a while,” but it seems my breaks are every day now. My kids play well on their own because I’m not there. I’m there, but I’m not there in the metaphoric sense. I’m happy. I’m not depressed. I’m not angry. I’m just…I don’t know. I don’t know what it is. And all I want to do is bang my head off of something and make it all go away. I want to care again. I want to be that Mom that I know that I am. And for a few hours a day I am. I really truly am. But I don’t know why I stopped dancing in the living room to god awful pop music with the kids. I don’t know why I’ve stopped organizing crafts. We used to paper mache everything in sight. And when it’d dry, we’d paint it. Our playroom sits unused. We spend all day in the living room.

I shower when the kids are awake so that it doesn’t eat into their nap time. Heaven forbid I do anything useful while the kids nap. I don’t. I sit. I do nothing. And while people can sit there and say that it’s OK that I do nothing and that it should be my time, all day is my time. I’m not fun anymore. I’m not me.

And I’m going to start. Today. I’m going to start. Already this afternoon we’ve painted and read books. Luca started flipping out because he was upset over something or other, so I decided instead of stressing out, I’d put on Yo Gabba Gabba and take a minute to step back. Write it out.

I’m a good Mom. I’m a great Mom. I just. I’ve lost my way. I’ve become disinterested with things I used to love and that makes me sad. But it’s not too late. No it’s not too late. I can do this.

Starting now.

 

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About Cassie

Two sisters from two misters. What could be more fun?

Posted on November 4, 2010, in Cassie. Bookmark the permalink. 12 Comments.

  1. Cassie, girl… you’re human. There is no perfect anything, let alone a perfect, pregnant mother with 2 young children. The mere fact that you are worried about this is proof of what a wonderful mother you are. There is no harm in trying to be better, but it’s self defeating to try to be perfect. ❤

    • Lucky for me, I don’t believe in perfection. However, I do have standards and I feel as if I just haven’t been reaching them lately. It just gives me something to try to get better at.

  2. I know it’s different, but my husband has always felt that way about holidays, especially Christmas. Then three years ago I started asking him to participate in things like putting up the tree and going to look at lights without uttering a complaint as a Christmas present to me. He grinned and bared it… until he started enjoying it again. It sounds like you’re going about things the right way. Realizing and then doing. Though I still think you’re super mom no matter what you say. 🙂

  3. Yeah, what Shari and Jessica said.

    If this is the biggest problem you face, you have it made!

  4. Everyone has a funk, a rut. I was there a few months ago. I did what you did, I took a step back, looked at what was wrong or not quite right, and made the decision to make some changes. I am much happier now and I feel like I’m connecting with my kids better and just generally enjoying life more. It’s okay to get in a rut, what makes you you is that you get a damn shovel and dig your damn way out. 🙂 Love ya!

  5. Cassie, thank you for the link to my post and thank you for having the guts to say how you feel also. It is so comforting to know that other women are feeling the same way…not that I am glad that you are feeling the same way…but your post…well, I could have written it myself. The mom I have become is not the mom I know I am capable of being. Girlfriend, I think we have a lot more in common then we originally thought when we first met. Us struggling mamas should not have to struggle alone. We can help and support eachother, I think…we can turn these little struggles into giant triumphs. xoxo

  6. I feel the same way and my kids are grown up and in college. I think it’s not confined to your concern about being good mama. For me, it’s the issue of relying on the Internet and email and TV in place of more meaningful human interaction. My senses feel dulled, and I feel lazy and it’s hard to garner the motivation to change. I’ve been thinking about your post and Hot Mama’s post since yesterday. I am not sure what I am going to do about it but you really struck a chord with me, so thanks to you and Hot Mama.

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