Going crazy in an organized fashion.

Last week, Matt went out of town to Vegas for the aforementioned free vacation courtesy of his company. During that time, I held it together, for the most part. I only sent out two desperate emails. (Thanks, by the way BG.) And the only reason I was desperate was because I ruined a disc that had Luca’s first few days on it.

Now, if you’ve been following this blog long enough, you’ll remember that I had horrible postpartum depression after having him. The only reason I chose that moment to finalize the disc was because I wanted so badly to try to remember anything about that time. Because, even now, those moments escape me. As awful as this sounds, I would have much rather had it been a video of Claire. I remember everything about that girl as a baby. I bet you I could chronicle every single poop diaper I changed. Even looking at photos of him now, I still have to remind myself what happened that day, or month even.

I finally broke down and emailed an old friend of mine from high school. He graduated three years ahead of me and was probably one of my best friends when I was in 8th grade. He played snare drum in marching band and I played the cymbals. We, along with the rest of the snare drum players, got in a lot of trouble together. Good times.

Anywho, he was always super smart when it came to computers. He even went to ITT Tech. I figured, if he could offer any advice, I’d be forever grateful. He quickly wrote back, gave me some programs to try, and when those didn’t work due to an error that he said, “Yah, that’s bad,” he gave me his work address to send it off to him to see if he could fix it.

Today, my memories of Luca went off in a padded envelope to New Bethlehem in hopes to get them back.

Even if he’s unable to fix it, I’m so amazed that he’d be willing to help. It has been years since I’ve seen him, let alone talk to him, so I’m grateful. I can’t even remember why we stopped being friends. Probably because he graduated and such. Times change. We all move on. Whatever. Point is, he’s still the same, good hearted person.

I often sit and wonder how much different I am from 16 years old. Or 10 years old. Or 3 years old. There are times when Claire or Luca will do something that will spark a memory from when I was little. They do the kindest, sweetest things, and I hope that never changes. I know I may have gotten older and situations have changed, but I’m willing to bet I’m still the same kind little girl I was at 5.

This made me think about the PPD and how I’ve changed. When I was actively suffering with it, I wasn’t me. I wasn’t the same person I usually am. So when I started to worry that my simple freak out was actually PPD starting, I realized that my worrying was actually making it worse. I feel as if people are watching me as if I’m a ticking time bomb. That it’s just a matter of time until I go crazy again. And then I think that if I do in fact, go crazy again, that I’ll be a failure. I don’t have those feelings I had with Luca. At least not yet.

But this time, I’m prepared. I have documented the shit out of Mae. I have made videos of the little things that I so missed with Luca. And I video the other two, as well, because I don’t remember much about Claire from that time, either. And even if I do get PPD again, I’ll still remember to at least make a 30 second video of the kids because even if I don’t want to, I will thank myself once the fog is lifted.

Matt and I have an understanding. If he notices that I’m starting the decline, he’s just making an appointment with my doctor. No need for the confrontation, because we all know that would go over; I’d get defensive and blame it all on him. And my doctor always checks on me when I bring Mae for her check ups.

So far, so good. So far I’m not crazy. And if I do end up that way, I’ve got a plan so that I can just be crazy until the meds kick in. Sometimes shit happens. I have to be prepared for it.

In the meantime, I’m still going to the gym as usual. I haven’t changed my schedule or ways in anticipation for what may or may not come. And as shallow as this sounds, I keep running so that I can have the body I had after the Army. I know it’s healthy and all that junk, but mainly, I just want to be hot again. I want to have the body I deserve because after all I’ve been through, dammit, I deserve it. And I work really hard for it. And if I end up having that fun chemical imbalance again, I’m going to fight like hell to be normal again. At the gym.

Some people go to the spa, some people go to the bar. Some people hang out with friends and some people go to football games. As Jillian Michaels says, “It’s you-time, baby,” and that’s why I work out. It’s my therapy. It’s my pedicure. It’s my martini. And when I have work outs like I had today where I pushed myself to do just one more 3 minute segment on a 5.5 incline, that’s my long soak in the tub.

I’m pretty sure I’m already crazy, just not PPD crazy. So if I cross over that very thin line, at least I’ll do it in a sexy, well toned, organized fashion.

And at least I didn’t break Luca. While I wasn’t myself or the way I should have been, I didn’t break him.


About Cassie

Two sisters from two misters. What could be more fun?

Posted on April 5, 2011, in Cassie and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.

  1. You would definitely be the hottest chick in the entire padded wing of the psych ward. So there’s that. Seriously though, it sucks to have it hanging over you as this thing you once suffered from. It sounds like working out is the tonic. All those endorphins are the “white blood cells” of your brain! Keep it going.

  2. PPD scares me. It’s amazing to me that you’ve been through it and despite having a miserable time, bucked up and had more kids anyway. And I think exercise is such a fantastic outlet. I plan on jumping back on the exercise bandwagon when I can again. It always makes me feel better once it’s done.

    And just this morning Mark mentioned buying a flip camera. I think we will! Good luck getting the video back. I really hope it works out for you.

    • I won’t lie, it IS scary. However, knowing the symptoms and getting treated is your best bet to beating it. It’s just chemicals. Not you being a failure. Just chemicals. And if it does happen, I’m here for you.


  3. You ARE crazy – how can you not be? You’re related to the rest of this nutty family!

    In all seriousness, I see you are taking good care of yourself. I love you so much and know I’m just a phone call away!

  4. Aww, man, I was always so jealous of the percussion kids in the marching band. The snares were always the stars and were so full of themselves, and the cymbal girls seemed to have it so easy. At least in our band, they didn’t even have to wear hats.

    I would loooooove to know what you were doing in that video to make Luca laugh so hard. So cute! And those EYES!

    • I was making funny faces, pulling a Jim Carey from Liar Liar where he just says a whole bunch of sounds. It always made him laugh hard. I ended up playing the bass drum the next year and probably had the strongest back in the world, since I had the third largest one. I was bad ass. Or something like that.


  5. I’m not a mother yet so I don’t know about PPD but I have had regular depression and know what that’s like. Medication never really helped me. It seemed to keep me in the fog, it took therapy and when that didn’t quite work either it just took time (for me.) I finally snapped out of it but still have times when I feel like I’m falling back into depressed tendencies. Where all you wan to do is go home and lay in bed, when the husband asks me what I want to do and there really isn’t anything I want to go do. But the great news is that you got out of it. And kudos to you and Matt for setting up a plan! The gym is a great place to get your “me time” and I wish I felt the same way! I on the other hand love those pedicures and such. haha 🙂

  6. Deb K from Harrisburg

    I’ve had depression and PPD. PPD was the worst. What a great plan you have worked out with your husband. Smart, very smart. I think your exercise will go a long way to holding off the PDD demons. But just in caes you wisely set a plan in motion in case things do decline before you’re fully able to grasp the situation. I admire you for your foresight. I never really appreciated what people meant when they said you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of other people, until PPD. Now I fully get it. Exercise away!

    • You hit the nail on the head. You really do have to take care of yourself first. It’s not only more fullfilling, but it also gives you purpose.


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