I really don’t remember

Today Matt had his first softball game of the season. It was a double header, with them winning one of the two games. This is exciting, because last year his team won one game all season. Maybe two. No more than three, I swear. They were in the wrong league and now finally this year, they’ve been bumped down to the middle league – where they happily belong.

It was a great night. The kids played with my inlaws and another team member’s daughters. Claire made a friend with a little girl with a cute lisp and Luca pointed out every single plane he saw. I kept book for the team and my mother in law kept hold of Mae.

When I got home, I got all the kids ready for bed, washing their hands, feet and face. They were covered head to toe in dust, but I had already bathed them, so a spot wash was good enough in my eyes. After I tucked them all in and said our good nights, I sat down and checked my email.

One was from my Mom with a link to a Snapfish album she had made in August 2009. Luca was only a few months old. She sent it to me because, well, I don’t remember that time.

Sometimes I’ll talk loosely about it, almost jokingly, that I had amnesia of sorts. But it was real. It was really, really real. And that makes me so sad.

Sometimes when people have stories about when Luca was a baby, I’ll listen really close as if it’s the first time I’ve ever heard it. As if I wasn’t present at all. Like I was watching a movie of my life. It’s really pathetic when you think about it. Truly.

It was when I saw this photo that I really got angry:

There I was, sitting on my Mom’s front porch wearing my bachelorette shirt and favorite sweats. I remember Claire’s outfit well. Carly bought her the shirt from the Gap. I remember Luca had to wear bibs all the time because of the constant drool. My hair is wet because I showered, meaning I probably was going to stay the night, as I did from time to time when Matt would go out of town. Mom would take care of me, cooking me dinner, bathing the kids – and all because I wasn’t really me.

But looking at that picture now, even though I don’t really remember that day, I looked happy. Genuinely happy. Regardless if I was suffering from PPD or not, I looked happy. Sure, I wasn’t holding Luca, but he seemed OK. And even though I don’t remember much from that time, he’s OK now.

Today he pointed out every single airplane in the sky. He picked up all his “car-cars” and dinosaurs by himself. He helped me bake cookies and wash Maelie. He made me smile.

So even in August of 2009, when I didn’t really know what was going on or care enough to know what was going on, he still made me smile. He’s my little boy. And I’d be damned if I let PPD take that away from me.

I’ve loved the stuffing out of that kid since day one. That’s never going to change.


About Cassie

Two sisters from two misters. What could be more fun?

Posted on May 11, 2011, in Cassie and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. Looks like a very sweet family picture. Glad you’re back to yourself now, I wouldn’t have recognized you then, I think, without your spunk. (which is not to be confused with JZZ.)

  2. Cassie- I read your blog all the time and you amaze me with your strength. I love this picture and I’m glad your Mom had it to send to you!


  3. Your posts about PPD have really been an inspiration for me. I’ve had a lot of hard moments since giving birth, but I’ve made a huge effort to try to take it all in and remember as much as I can.

    And even though you were suffering from PPD then and wearing sweats, you still looked beautiful.

  4. Man, that must’ve SUCKED. Believe me, The Guy and I are both on high alert status for PPD. The first sign of trouble, and we’re going to the doctor.

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