All is quiet

It’s almost 10 o’clock and the house is quiet.

Sadie is snoring, the kids are all in bed, Matt, after staying up until 2 am watching bad TV the night before, is sleeping.

It’s weird.

Typically I’m the second to last one to go to bed. But tonight, I just wasn’t feeling tired enough to schlep off to bed.

I was thinking about all the things that have happened recently and I’m still trying to process it all.

A few months ago, I started teaching at my gym and now I have the hardest time trying to even imagine what it was like before I took the spot at the front of the room. I only ‘take’ two classes during the week aside from the four I teach and it’s only to one instructor. So I don’t really feel the participant experience like I once did.

In short, I love teaching. I don’t mind that I spend my Sunday evenings going over music selections and choreography. I don’t mind the hours I spend holding planks, doing squats and closing my eyes and replaying the RPM dvds in my head. I simply love the feeling of being able to do. To do this. To strive to be better. To never settle.

It’s just who I am.

And I ran a marathon, guys! I know you are all probably so sick of hearing about it, but that’s a shit ton of running! And I did it! And even for an hour and a half, it was under red flag conditions. That translates to: you’re really not bright to be running in this heat, buddy.

But we did it!

And even though it’s only a week since I did it, I don’t think that feeling of pride will ever go away.

At mile 26.1, with the finish line in sight, I blew my mom kisses.

Because even in the most ridiculous of conditions, you always pay your mama respect.

Especially when she’s bawling in a public place.

Since I’ve started this blog, almost three years ago, my life has changed in more ways than I think I could fully explain. I’ve gone through postpartum depression, pregnancy number 3, meeting strangers on the internet and going to their homes 1,000 miles away, hot debates, local blogger get togethers, running 7.25 miles, deciding to run a half marathon, running TWO half marathons, training for a full marathon, completing the full marathon with my hot, hot hubby holding hands, teaching at my gym, growing, raising my kids to be good human beings and loving life.

While I know blog keeping isn’t for everyone, this to me, is more than just letting others neb into my life. (Neb:  a Pittsburgh slang: to be nebby, nosy, in the gossip circle, curious.) I’ve always been very honest with who I am and I make no excuses for who I am. But this is a chronicle of my life. It’s a little piece of me and it’s so fun to look back and see how I lived life and more importantly that I have lived life. To the best of my ability.

So, while I sit here, in the calm and the quiet, I thank all of you who have been pretty dedicated readers. Even to those who don’t comment. I’ve come a long way. I’ve made some fascinating new friends. I’ve grown.

Who am I?

I’m a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a nurse, a fitness instructor, a friend, a caregiver, a freaking marathoner, a former Army Reservist, an artist, and a good person.

When I write it all out like that, it’s amazing to see. And  it feels good to say all of that.

Because, while I do have a lot of negative traits, I know who I really am. And I’m proud of that.

And that? From a girl who used to cut just to get past the pain? That is huge.

Matt told me once, when we first started dating, that I had to learn to love myself before I could ever love another. And isn’t that the truth? Once I started seeing myself for who I really was, I was able to do some changing and some rearranging and here I am. While I know I’m just a spit in the ocean, I’m 27 and I have my shit together.

And sitting here, in the quiet living room with only a fan and a snoring dog making noise, I am proud. I am proud of me. I’m proud of my life. I am proud of all the people who helped me get to where I am today. Even if you don’t think you’ve done anything, you have. We all impact each others’ lives whether we want to or not.

Just a few years ago a girl named Jessica started commenting on my blog. Fast forward to today and we were g-chatting about her upcoming trip here. Going a day without talking to her is rare. Be it through email, g chat, text or voicemail (because who ever hears a vibrating phone?) She is one of my very best friends I have ever known, and had I not of seen what a simple gesture of kindness could be, I could have missed out on a great thing.

So long story short, open your eyes. Look around you. Life is typically only as difficult as you allow it to be. Barring medical complications or other financial/physical setbacks, life is what you make it. So why make it so difficult? I for one was never the type to sit on the sidelines and watch.

If only I could have told the 16 year old me this. But I suppose at 27, that’s a hell of a lot better than never.

Now that my brain is officially empty, it’s off to bed.

Advertisements

About Cassie

Two sisters from two misters. What could be more fun?

Posted on May 14, 2012, in Cassie. Bookmark the permalink. 14 Comments.

  1. Good night, sweetie. I love you and am so proud of and HAPPY FOR you. Love, your nebby mother 🙂

  2. You seriously made me tear up. Thank you friend, you’ve seen me through more craziness than any sane person would stick by me through! And thank you Internet/universe for allowing our blogs to cross paths.

    On a non-sappy note: “you’re really not bright to be running in this heat, buddy.” is pretty much May-September here. Sheesh.

  3. mrsbachelorgirl

    I’m so jealous that Jessica gets to travel to Pittsburgh to see you this summer! I think it goes without saying that the photographic evidence should take at LEAST a month to blog.

  4. Michael Pease

    I have been reading your blog for a little while now and I’m enjoying it immensely. I read this
    One early this morning with tears running down my face by the end of it. It’s funny how you see pieces of yourself in others. Here’s to living life to the fullest. Breathing it all in. Thank you.

  5. First, thank YOU for sharing your life here with us in your honest and unique style. I really love coming here and reading about everything you put here. You can really feel proud of yourself, for all those reasons!

    It’s great to have those moments where you look back and can actually see how far you have come. I had one a few weeks ago and I realized that a different attitude towards the hurdles life throws at you (medical issues right now) can make such a huge difference – they won’t disappear, but I can keep my spirits higher and therefore enjoy life more than I could otherwise.

    • I can never get into your blog every time I try. Am I doing something wrong?

      • I just came back to reread that post since it resonated so much with me and discovered your comment! (I should really always klick the notify me box…)

        I started a blog, but everytime I make it public, I chicken out and make it private again five minutes later. Don’t know exactly why… But I’ll let you know if/when I finally find the courage to leave it openly out there! And I’m sorry to have caused irritation!

  6. You had me worried there, chickie… I thought for a minute that you were about to fold your b logging tent. Phew!

    The advice Matt gave you is wise indeed; it’s no wonder that you two go so well together.

    Getting to know you through your blog, and then live and in person, has been a real treat over these last several years. Watching you grow, prosper and continue to do amazing things fills me with such a sense of pride. Not that I have anything to do with it… it’s all you. I tune in for every post to see what unbelievable thing your doing next.

    You’re the goods, Cassandre, and I ‘m so happy that you’re beginning to realize it. =o)#

  7. YOU? Negative traits? Naaaaaaaaaaaaaw.

    Sometimes I think about quitting blogging. It takes up a lot of my life that I could be spending doing things to advance myself professionally. But who am I kidding? To not be able to look back at a time before I knew you, before I knew Kamran, before I ate fancy food, before I had a real camera . . . these blogs are a GOLD MINE.

  8. Not a bad little late night epiphany you had there. Life gets going so fast, you really need to take stock every now and then to appreciate how far you’ve come. And obviously, you’ve come a long, long way. Can’t wait to see everyone in June!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: