Suddenly it isn’t so clear

*I wrote this originally the day after I found out I was pregnant. And while I know that there are tons of women out there who are trying unsuccessfully to have a baby, sometimes, the women who are done having babies get certain surprises. I can’t even begin to tell you how guilty I feel, knowing I have so many friends who want to be in the situation I’m in. But also try to remember that the women who are actively trying to get pregnant want a baby out of it. They’re mentally prepared. I was not prepared for this whatsoever. But sometimes things just happen. Today, however, six weeks after I found out that I was in fact pregnant, I’m dealing with it, and I’m getting more excited each day. Today we heard the heart beat – we being myself and all three kids. Luca is the most excited, Claire of course being a close second promising to help out with the baby. Mae, well, Mae just wants cheese. This is going to be OK, but I’m not going to lie about how I initially felt. And that’s what I wrote below.

*************************

Last week when I woke up, life was great. I just had a great visit with Jessica, I had a new class added to my gym schedule, and life was just simply easy and good.

But sometimes life just doesn’t go as planned. This week, my future is fuzzy. It went from routine to I don’t know. It went from happy to why?

It’s no surprise to anyone that I am done having children. That after having three kids over four years, I was tapping out. The kids that I have are good, kind and really easy going. Why mess up a good thing, right?

I found myself in familiar territory a few days ago. It reminded me of when you go somewhere and you smell something so familiar, yet you can’t put your finger on it. I had a feeling. A familiar feeling. And I couldn’t shake it.

I entered into a long road of denial. Reminding myself that I’m done. I’m happy. That my mental well being is best left to be where it’s at.

But, I had to end that nagging fear and take a test.

The whole drive to the store, I told myself I was so stupid to take one. Why waste the money? You know what it’s going to say.

And when I got home, and saw the positive sign, I let out a few tears and made Matt verify.

I’ve compared my excitement for being pregnant to that of having my appendix burst. I’ve called myself the Duggars. I’ve cried. I’ve reasoned. I’ve cried some more.

This isn’t a blessing, and I’m not too thrilled. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to love this baby any less. I’m more or less upset at myself for letting it happen. I don’t believe in Fate or God’s will. And if someone were to tell me that, I’d probably flip out on them. It’s simply science. And it failed me.

When I woke up last week, the future seemed so clear. I was going to start to get my life back. I had three rather independent children who didn’t need me nearly as much as last year. I’ve been waiting a long time for this. For me time. For fun. For winters where I can take the kids sledding. Summers where we can go to the pool without needing ten adults. When I could actually leave my house in the afternoon. When I could actually trust a babysitter to watch my kids and not have to be tethered to either my baby or a breast pump. I was ready to be done.

I was done.

And while I strongly believe in a woman’s right to choose, I chose to tough it out. To see what possibilities this baby could have for me. Remember, I was the product of: it only takes once. I know a lot of accident babies, and they have turned out to be the best thing ever, myself included. And this baby deserves a chance at doing just that. Showing me what I showed my mom all those years ago. This baby will be loved. I just need a bit longer to get on the bandwagon.

I woke up this morning knowing that my whole life was about to change. Whether I was ready for it or not. All the hard work I have put in at the gym is going to be on hold. All the positive changes to my body are just going to have to wait. My love for teaching will be short lived. And while I know I’ll get all those things back, and I will teach until my big belly can’t teach any more, it’s just not the same.

I was done.

I’m sure this all sounds selfish. But when you’re 27, spent the last 5 years of your life being pregnant, nursing or raising small children, was tired all the time and ready for life to finally begin, you’d understand. I’m going to have four children aged five and under. I know I’m not the first. I won’t be the last. But every day is hard enough. It’s fun, it’s crazy, it’s got it’s ups and downs. But I was done.

So while I’m having a pity party, I still have that annoying happy feeling in my gut, because I know, with my whole heart, that I can do this and that this baby is going to be awesome.

I just need some time.

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About Cassie

Two sisters from two misters. What could be more fun?

Posted on August 8, 2012, in Cassie. Bookmark the permalink. 34 Comments.

  1. While I really hope that no one says to you, “Four?! You know how this happens, right?” I’m pretty sure it’s unavoidable. So let me be the first to say: You have my permission to give whoever says it the finger.

  2. oh my this sounds just like me! we had 4 in less than 5 years also. trust me there were plenty of tears after finding out about number 3 and 4! i felt guilty about that but after the first couple of months i started to get excited. the baby turned 3 in march and i this is the first summer i haven’t been stuck at the house! i can actually take them to do things by myself 🙂 you’ll find your routine with 4 and it will FLY by

  3. I know that it has been a tough time for you. I’ll never forget that first phone call you made to me. I felt absolutely helpless and wished there was something I could do to just make it better. I’m glad you’re finding your peace with it. You’ve been a fantastic mother of three, which only means becoming a mother of four will make you even more fantastic.

    • And thank you for being there. You know I don’t have to write this out, you know it. But. You’re the best thing I’ve got aside from family. Thank you.

  4. I’ve never met anyone else with your determinatin and sheer will. You will be great at whatever you choose to do. And your kids hit the mother lottery when they drew you. Don’t forget that.

  5. Remember when I thought you were white trash because you were 19 and had three kids already? Just sayin’ . . .

    I’m so excited to see Mae as a big sister! And then to forget about her because the new baby is younger and cuter!

    • I mean, your love for Mae will only grow cuter as you see her squish the new baby’s skull. Not to mention the new baby might look like Matt.

  6. I am really glad you posted this, because to be honest I never understood people who said, “We weren’t planning on this baby. I’m freaked out, not ready, don’t want it, etc.” I spend 99.9% of my time trying not to admit that I’m in the category of women who want another child and aren’t easily getting it, and, as long as we’re being honest, I also spend 99.9% of my time trying to not to scream at people who freak out about “oopsie” babies because most days I feel like I’d love to be in that position because it is totally and completely foreign to me. So anyway, I really and truly appreciate you letting someone like me get into your head. You’ve helped me understand some things.

    • And I’m glad I could help you. Like I mentioned in the first paragraph, some people want a baby, some don’t. That’s when you have to really try to just be in their shoes. And of course, you know this. But still. Thanks for reading.

  7. I love this raw and honest post. Your feelings are completely normal and valid. And if someone doesn’t understand it’s because they aren’t in your shoes and they’re only judging you from theirs and they can butt out and mind they’re own business..

    I remember when you said that having Mae was such an easy transition. That adding a 2nd was hard, really hard on you. But Mae entered your world seamlessly. I know without a doubt that this baby will be even easier. Sure, your hands will be full. Your mind will be gone at times but you rock the mom thing. You really do.

    Any don’t let anyone give you crap over 4. I personally know people with ONE and two who doesn’t know how to parent. You have great kids, Cassie. That story with Claire and her money to buy Luca his costume still comes to mind and melts my heart. Even if you had 10 (or even as many as the Duggars..) your kids would be just as awesome as the current 3.1. 🙂

    • Thanks, Ashley. You know how rough parenting can be! But now for me, Claire and Luca are really helpful, I know I’ll have all kinds of helpers. Mae is also a huge lovey baby, that I don’t think I’ll have to deal with too much sibling jealousy. She was meant to be a middle kid anyhow.

  8. I so hesitate to comment here, because you don’t know me at all (although we did make contact over a previous comment).

    I’m compelled to comment, though, because this is one of the most honest, real, and human things I’ve ever read. I was never exactly in your situation, but I came close, and I can really relate to your feelings.

    Suffice it to say that, although the time for such circumstances has passed for me, if I were in this same situation, your honesty, courage, and attitude would serve as a great example for me personally. You’re not being selfish, in my book – you’re being human. Of course it won’t be easy, but the really good things aren’t the easy ones.

    And I’ve always know that gut feelings are right, you just have to have the wisdom to follow them. You are wise at a young age. You and your family are blessed by that. Just as this awesome new little one will be, too.

    • You can always comment here. You know it’ll be well received. When you did comment previously, it really meant a lot, and I still remember exactly what you said. So please never feel afraid to.

      Thank you for validating my feelings. I’m usually so sure of myself, but I was afraid to post this. I was so afraid I was going to be misinterpreted and bundled into the whole first world problems. And as I said to my friends, it’s not like I have cancer. But it’s still life changing.

      Thank you.

  9. Cass, I would be feeling all those same things if I found out a 4th was on the way….

    BUT, you, out of all the people I know, YOU are the only one I know that will totally rock 4 kids. I have mommy envy on a regular basis – you manage to do it all & not in a holier than thou way. You freely admit your faults & strive to overcome them. You have 3 well behaved, well adjusted kids. You take me time. In fact, my husband said the other day that maybe we needed Super Nanny to come…and you popped into my head.

    Much love to ya Mama! From 1 accident baby to another, some of us were just meant to be.

    • Thank you. I never try to be a been there, done that mom. But I know there are times when I do. But I certainly don’t ever mean to make someone feel inferior in their parenting. The way I see it, we’re all in this together. And if I do a shitty job, then someone along the way is going to suffer.

      Super Nanny. That’d be so fun. I love telling kids how the world works.

      We were meant to be. You’re one of my favorite accident babies!

  10. Hi Cassie –

    Not sure if I’ve commented here before or not, came to your blog via your mom’s. But, I just want to say….you should have absolutely no “guilt” about your feelings. No, its not cancer. Yes, you are lucky to be able to afford it, blah, blah, blah.

    However you are about to give up the next 18-24 months of your life. You have every right to be disappointed and sad and frustrated and every single emotion in between. While not being able to have a baby when you want one is a horrible thing to live with; having a baby when you don’t want one is as well!! I’ve never really understood that argument that you can’t be disappointed to be pregnant because someone else can’t get pregnant. All of our experiences are relative to our own life situations.

    And as far as “you know how that happens right?” comments…my first baby was a condom “oops” between a married couple who were very much NOT trying to get pregnant. I’m sitting with my 2-year old watching the Elmo potty dvd and they just sang a song “accidents happen”…aptly fits your/my situation as well. Some of us are super fertile and that leads to accidents.

    Luckily, I know that you’ll make this work and that once you’ve adjusted/accepted what is you’ll be the best mother of 4 around!

    • Blah, blah, blah, is right. I just didn’t want to come off as whiny. I just, it wasn’t what I wanted.

      Thank you for understanding.

      The oops babies really are wonderful, though, because they’re full of surprises. I’m getting more excited to see what potential this next one will have.

  11. A kindred spirit. I was also surprised by this current pregnancy. While Handsome and I want children, RIGHT after the wedding wasn’t in our original scheme. I am now excited about my little Lady, but at first, I nearly had all of the same reactions you did and no one truly understood.

    SOMEONE understands, it’s good to know.

    I think you’ll be able to teach as long as you want to… my sister was in a body pump class taught by a VERY pregnant woman. She’s still up there I believe and she’s EVEN MORE pregnant. So, I think the more fit that you are, the better! This will probably be Cassie’s guide to AWESOME FITNESS- PREGNANT LADY STYLE. “Look at those biceps! She could juggle triplets. Uh huhhhh, girl’s got it going on! Those quads could bend steel!” You’ll probably give birth to a child with a six pack.

  12. My immediate family had 4 siblings in it (plus I had another half-sis living w/my dad & a step-sis who lived w/her mom), and we did just fine. I agree with what everybody else here has said: You are an awesome mom, and if an oops baby is going to happen to someone, I’m really glad it’s happening to a woman who will be a fantastic mommy, a determined, strong woman who will find a way to make things work and will be an amazing example to all four of her kids. Hang in there, Lady!! *hugs*

    • Thanks so much Christy. Originally Matt always wanted 4 kids. So, at least there’s that. He’s also one of 4, so that makes sense. I am technically one of four, given you count my two step brothers, so here’s to big families!

  13. As a couple who was never able to get pregnant (despite plenty of trying) I’m glad for those who do get pregnant and are wonderful parents. I know it’s a tremendous sacrifice (not from personal experience, unfortunately). Over the years, I’ve watched a lot of my friends enter into the deep weeds of young child rearing. Now, I’m watching young adults form from those kids. They are graduating, getting married, having grandchildren, and turning into incredible adults who bring great joy to their parents. As tough as this is now — I feel ya — you will have a great blessing to reap as the years go by.

    • Thank you, Tom. And I’m sorry that you weren’t able to have children of your own. I, obviously, can’t even imagine, but I do sympathize. Honest. If you ever want to borrow one, however, you sure can.

      In all honesty, though, I’m glad that I’ve invested so much time and energy in the first three kids that hopefully, the next kid will learn from excellence. I know I set the bar high – too high sometimes, but if it means that I’ll have good kids who will bring joy to other peoples’ lives, then I’ve done my job well. This new one will be no exception.

  14. Nope, your hair is WAY too short for you to ever be a Duggar! Once again your writing has blown me away. Hang in there Cassie…sending you calm and peaceful thoughts.

  15. (haven’t read all the comments yet, so if I repeat, I apologize) First: God bless you for being honest about your feelings. I have an accident baby myself (that middle one), and I love her to pieces. We make plans and decisions, and then life (or science, that made me laugh) happens. Secondly, don’t take crap from people who want to give it to you for having more than the 2.3 children that is the average. I get looks for having three for goodness sakes, and it just pisses me off. In this way, I am so happy to be a Catholic! We have tacit permission to have lots of babies for some reason. 😉 Lastly, your feelings of ambivilance (did I spell that right) and sadness are nothing to be ashamed of. Pregnancy and motherhood isn’t all roses. It’s damn hard work, and when you think you’re on the verge of “reclaiming” yourself, it can be damn hard to realize you’re going back to square one for a bit. The older children will adjust and will help. Although I do not envy you the upcoming “wrath of Mae”. 🙂

    • Oh yes, the wrath of Mae. The way she acts, she was meant to be the middle kid, for sure. She doesn’t like to be spoiled and while she loves a bunch of attention, she gets sick of it quickly.

      Thank you for your kind words as always.

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