I feel alone
I need to write this out to fully process this. I really don’t want to talk about it, but I’m afraid if I keep it in, I’ll only feel worse and more stressed and that won’t help the situation. This is a super delicate situation and very personal. Please understand that. But I don’t know what else to do.
I know I’m not the first person to have a complication with pregnancy, but it doesn’t change the fact that I feel so alone.
After spending the majority of my night last night in the ER, getting home after midnight, I was left feeling deflated and in fear of having a miscarriage because the doctor said he, “Just can’t place odds on me.”
I was diagnosed with SCH (Subchorionic Hematoma) and of course, mine has to be on the “larger than average” size. Go big or go home, I guess.
And as I sit here in bed, feeling sorry for myself, I feel guilty. I know I did nothing wrong. Doctors don’t know what causes them or how to cure them. They just are. Exercising did nothing, breathing did nothing, it just is.
After talking with my own OB she gave me some good odds. She’s obviously seen this more than the ER docs and have seen them through. She said even with how large mine is, I can still go on to have a healthy baby and normal pregnancy. It’ll just take some time to heal.
So for now, I’m in limbo. And I hate this place. I hate this feeling. I just want to know.
I got upset last night thinking to myself, “Well, all those people who said to me, ‘it was meant to be that you have this baby!’ I wanted to smack. Is it meant to be that THIS is happening, too? Fuck fate.”
I think I’m past the anger stage and am now moving towards acceptance. I have no control over what happens. I can just sit and wait and pray. I saw the little baby on the screen and I felt good, knowing that, despite the SCH, it was still healthy and happy for now.
And that’s all I’ve got to hang on to.