I just can’t stop

I just can’t stop looking at the photos of those beautiful children who were killed Friday. Their bright, happy, care-free smiles. I can’t.
I want to, but I can’t.
I have a problem with internalizing things too far. I hear a story like Jerry Sandusky and the awful things he did and it sticks with me. I read the claims from the boys and it haunts me. I imagine what it must have looked like to be there and it brings me to tears.
I don’t know why I do this. I just care way too much. I think I’ve always been this way – too caring. I take plastic bottles out of garbage cans and put them into recycle bins. I refuse to watch the local news because it’ll only upset me. I follow stories like the Sandy Hook tragedy and I can’t sleep. I imagine what it must have looked like. How scared those kids must have been. How they didn’t understand what was going on. How all they wanted was their mom and dad.
I can’t stop thinking about it.
Is it just me? Am I alone in this? Because it breaks my heart in ways I didn’t know my heart was capable of breaking in. It’s not just pregnancy hormones. It’s true, raw sadness. I’m so sad over this. Not just as a parent but as a human being.
It feels like a bad dream. A dream half of America can’t wake up from. Those children…those children. I can’t shake their beautiful faces from my memory.
Oh how I wish this was just a dream.


About Cassie

Two sisters from two misters. What could be more fun?

Posted on December 16, 2012, in Cassie. Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. That’s what really got me… Seeing all those little faces in the paper this morning, and on Facebook.

    The only way I cope is diversion. I just can’t think about it. (Well, now that I’ve gotten that blog post out of my system.)

    Just try to focus on your own beautiful little children. I know it helped me when I got to hug my nephews tonight.

  2. It’s not just you. I’ve been so upset all weekend. I refuse to watch TV but have been online reading and reading. I keep looking for an article that explains why this happened but it is inexplicable.

  3. I know what you mean. I suppose here we don’t even see half as much news coverage about it as you do in the US, but when I heard about it, I immediately had to shut myself down. Sometimes that works – not often or always, but sometimes. I had to stop imagining their fear and hurt and everything, because otherwise I would not have been able to cope. I tried to comment on your other blog post, but couldn’t.
    I just don’t understand how things like this can happen. I try to grasp it, but I can’t. I just can’t.

  4. I’m still kind of shut down. Between the tragedy in Newtown and my own (little) troubles, I’ve just had to turn off for a bit. I can’t. I just can’t deal. *hugs*

  5. I watched quite a bit of coverage over the weekend, but I have learned from 9/11 that I can take it too far, so I have not gone overboard.

    For the past few days, when I woke up, the tragedy was the first thing I thought of. The second was the mother of one of J’s classmates who died Thursday night. There is just too much sadness right now. But I am forcing myself to do other things, which helps a lot. I am telling you, waiting in line for 1.5 hours to see Pittsburgh Dad on Saturday was time well spent. Diversion is important.

  6. The pictures of those kids brought me to my knees. How dare this asshole take these babies away? I struggle with internalizing too, so I’ve shied away from media coverage. These poor, poor parents. All I can think about is what if that were my own?

  7. Go ahead and care too much. People who care too much get things done.

    See: Claire and puppies.

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