Spent

I remember when I was pregnant with Claire, and everyone told me, “Oh, it’s so wonderful! Enjoy every moment!” and I immediately though, oh no. What if I don’t? Does that make me a bad mother?

Then I had kid after kid after kid and guess what? I don’t enjoy every moment. And those who say they do are liars.

It comes in waves, I understand, but when it gets bad, sometimes it just gets bad.

I’ve got the perfect storm brewing here. I’m super pregnant. I can’t bend well, getting off the couch sometimes is painful, chasing kids down to correct them is monotonous, I don’t feel like standing in the kitchen cooking after a long day and it’s cold outside. I have pent up children, Claire was sick last week so we couldn’t go anywhere, and it’s COLD OUTSIDE.

As soon as Claire started to feel better, I took that as a good sign and tore apart the nursery to get it ready for baby and then tackled the basement because it was a horrible, horrible mess. And in the coming weeks it’ll be housing an elliptical. I needed the space. Claire helped by vacuuming the dust and litter, Luca took trip after trip of things that needed to go upstairs and Mae ran around trying not to get in the way. Mission failed on her part.

I think Luca took at least twenty trips up and down the stairs. I brought up a big chair, a dining room chair after I fixed it, crafting supplies…

We were all spent.

That night, Luca woke up at 2 AM crying and literally whimpering. He had a fever – the yuck that Claire had just gotten over. And of course, the only thing he wanted was his mom, so I crawled into bed with him. He tossed and turned and took about 2 hours to fall asleep. I went to go get him some medicine and water, and Matt started telling me he felt sick, too.

So I called off work. There was no way Matt could handle all the kids feeling the way he did. And I was running on only a few hours of sleep.

I slept in Luca’s bed with him, which is usually OK, but being that pregnant and only having one spot you can lay in with your back against the wall isn’t really ideal when you get sore easily.

But honestly there was no where else I wanted to be. He was whimpering.

I woke up sore, but OK, and Matt said he felt OK enough, so he went for a six mile run. Because, you know, that’s what you do when you’re fighting off a cold. I can’t blame him, I would have done the same thing in his position. I’ve taught spin under less than ideal conditions and am not regretful at all.

But Matt was certainly regretful come the afternoon when he had full on chills and fevers.

This carried on all weekend into this morning. He’s been 100% out of commission and it’s not even just man-whininess that usually comes when a guy is sick, it’s legit sick. He’s got body aches, fevers, chills, cough – everything. For a man who never misses work is still up in bed sleeping.

Last night, however, I was done being a mom. I was spent. Mae peed on the couch, Luca spilled yogurt all over the floor, they whined, complained, drove me nuts and all I wanted to do was sit on the couch and enjoy the Penguins game because I was so. freaking. tired. But no. No. I didn’t get to.

Matt felt awful, laying there the color of parchment paper and coughing his lungs up. I started to yell. Mae peed on the couch and I yelled. Luca spilled the yogurt and I yelled. I’m not proud of it, but any person who says they’d keep a level head at this point is either lying or doing it wrong because after over a week of just everything happening and nothing going right, one would lose it.

And I lost it.

I said, “Everyone in bed! Get ready. EVERYONE. NOW.”

Tears. Everyone in tears. Well, not Claire. She read me well, and quickly picked up her toys, and got ready. Luca, however, carried on. Maelie carried on. I was near tears.

I got them in bed, and started to read a book when Mae, who I’ve been trying to potty train for the past week, crapped her pants.

No. No, no, no, no. NO.

I changed her, plunked her in bed and said goodnight and was done.

But Mae wasn’t! She and her monkey got out of bed and proceeded to wander around upstairs.

Up and down the stairs I went putting her back to bed, her being defiant. Finally, I took the damn monkey from her.

She cried. And cried. And cried. MONKEEEEEY! MOOOOONKEEEEY!

Then I cried.

She finally calmed down and I gave her back her monkey and she went right back to bed.

And I sat on the couch and cried some more. I said to Matt, “I don’t want to be a mom anymore. Not today. I’m so tired.”

I still want to be a mom. I just wanted some breathing room and I got none. I’ve been caring for sick person after sick person and I’m tired. And all I want is just five minutes to myself, which I think I’m allowed.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Having three kids aged five and under is hard. And soon? It’ll be FOUR kids aged five and under. Last night I felt overwhelmed for the first time in a long time. I’m not proud that I cried, but it’s the only thing I had control over at that very moment.

This morning, when Mae woke up, I found her standing at the top of the stairs holding that damn monkey.

I still love her, that won’t ever change. But  last night? Didn’t like her so much.

Today is a new day.

 

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About Cassie

Two sisters from two misters. What could be more fun?

Posted on January 21, 2013, in Cassie and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 12 Comments.

  1. I feel bad when I cry in front of my kids (because of my kids). It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, I feel like a terrible mom. I feel like I’m revealing how very difficult it is to be a mom some days. And that doesn’t seem fair to them. But sometimes, our kids aren’t fair to us, you know? And, lady, you are TIRED. You are super pregnant, you’ve been nursing people for, what, more than a week now, and you have stuff to do because you’re having a baby! I say, let yourself off the hook, find someone who can take the brood off your hands for 24 hours, go get a pedicure — or just sit around the house in the peace and quiet. If Matt’s good, he can stay, too. **big hugs**

    BTW, when is that baby due?

  2. I only have one and find myself in tears some nights. Sorry you had a very rough week, and you shouldn’t be ashamed to cry! It’s an outlet your body needs. Hope everyone, you especially, feel better soon.

    • One kid or ten kids, kids can be so annoying sometimes. And it’s hard in your case, because you can only reason so much with Sarah. Though, she understands a lot more than she shows, which is annoying.

  3. What an awful weekend (week) you had. I feel for you. I think the mothers who have never once thought “what the hell am I doing” and “I am so unhappy right now” and especially “I wish I were anywhere else other than here” are beyond human. I have told my kid at times that I do not like her. It took her to get to 9 for me to say it, but there have been times it has been warranted. Thank God for love.

    Every day is a new day. That is my battle cry, and I use it both professionally and personally. Hang in there, mama!

  4. I hope you are feeling better today. When I read your post, I could just feel your frustration and weariness. I have occasionally cried in front of my children when they were growing up. I thought it was harmful at the time but I think in retrospect it was the beginning of teaching them empathy and seeing Mom as a separate human being. And oh yeah, there was some yelling in our house over matters far less frustrating than the scenario you described.

    • I truly think crying in front of them is exactly as you said – to teach them I’m human. That what they do from time to time hurt my feelings or make me so frustrated I have to cry. Claire is so receptive to it, sometimes I feel so guilty, because she’s a complete carbon copy of me – in that she wants to fix everything and everyone. Last night, when she cleaned her room, she had all her things lined up nice, clothes folded and put away, bed made. I wanted to cry because she’s so awesome and I felt like scum, but she knew I wasn’t angry with her.

      It’s good that I have an intuitive kid, that’s for sure.

  5. I imagine a lot of the people who told you to enjoy every moment haven’t had a kid in 10 or 20 or 30 or 40 years and only remember the good times back when they were still fertile. Now they’re all dried up, and their kids never call them, and they wish they could only be pregnant again and have some purpose in life.

    MAE PEED ON THE BED AND CRAPPED HER PANTS? This kid is not nearly as angelic as she had me fooled into thinking she was.

    And this is probably your best post ever.

  6. That overwhelmed/had enough feeling is awful. When you’re exhausted, pregnant, I don’t know how you manage to deal with 3 children plus other stuff. I feel like that sometimes and then feel guilty about it. I love my son like nothing else in the world but he can get me to the point of crying out of frustration too. Babies are apparently supposed to sleep a lot at first and be easy? Not mine. He really threw me for a loop for a first baby. You’re right, today is a new day. I hope it’s the complete opposite of yesterday. I hope everyone is feeling a little better, too.

  7. Oh, that sounds like an awful day. I would have been in tears, rocking in the corner much much much earlier – that feeling of being completely overwhelmed is horrible, and the only thing you can do sometimes is cry. Geesh, I don’t have any kids at all and feel like that sometimes, so I still admire you for doing all that you’re doing. And even more now after this post, because it’s hard to admit stuff like that sometimes.

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