Returning the pants
Walking out of the hospital’s ER wearing hospital pants seven months ago with my bloody shorts in a bag and the thought that I was about to miscarry was probably one of the worst days of my life. I remember it as if it was yesterday, and the thought still resonates in my mind, I’m not ready for this to be over.
I spent the last seven months being stressed to the limit, spent with constant worry, many sleepless nights and plenty of tears. When the baby wouldn’t move for a few hours, I immediately thought I had lost the game.
A few days after my big bleed, Matt grabbed the hospital pants and offered to throw them in the trash. I looked at him and said, “No. I’m going to be returning those.”
It’s one thing to know this is my last baby, it’s another to know how hard I fought to get her here. She’s the last baby I’ll ever birth and swaddle and coo over, but she’s also a dream come true.
Nine months ago I was in complete denial and sad. Then I accepted and got excited. Then I bled and feared the worst. Now I’m holding my miracle baby as she softly breathes and fills me with inexpiable happiness.
I’ll never be able to fully explain how I feel.
Audrey, before I even knew she was a she, changed my life. She taught me how to learn to trust in myself and others. She taught me how to ask for help. She taught me how to learn my limits and not exceed them. And she taught me how to fully appreciate everything I have surrounding me.
Only 38 hours old and she is the most amazing little life changer I’ve ever known.
Today I tossed those hospital pants in the linen and said see ya. If I’ve learned anything in the past 7 months, it’s not to give up hope, even when it seems as though there is none. To learn to be OK with not being in complete control of everything. To continue to love all the things around me and never forget that what I have right now is everything I need. And that to fight every day to make sure that I get to one day see that beautiful face is worth it all.
Audrey means strength, and that is what she has given me.
She is the best surprise ever.