A bitching post.
No. Not a bitchin’ post. There’s a difference. I’m going to complain. A lot. Because right now the kids are the only people I have to talk to, and they don’t really give a damn.
I have a cold. And that’s fine. Everyone is allowed to get sick every now and again. However, when I get sick, it’s way different than if say, Matt got sick. See, if Matt gets sick, he takes the day off of work and lays in bed. If one of the kids get sick, they sit in front of the tv. If I get sick? If it’s on the weekend I get to lay on the couch and feel sorry for myself. If it’s during the week, however, I get shit. And I’m not saying that for sympathy, I’m simply stating a fact. I don’t have a job that I can call off of. I can’t say, “OK, kids. Mommy’s going to lay here for the 10 hours that your dad’s gone. Make yourself lunch and put yourselves down for nap, and have a nice day.”
Nope. I get to do all the things I do on a normal day, I just get to be a little irritated while I do it. It’s not like Matt can simply take off work because I feel icky. And I’m not dying. I’m just snotty, coughing, sneezing and all around irritable. I can obviously do the job, I just don’t want to.
And my house is a wreck. So I hate that, too. And that adds to the irritation.
And then Mae peed on the floor, which is unlike her. While I was feeding Audrey. So I couldn’t do anything about it at that exact moment. But Mae thought it was OK to try to clean it up on her own, thus creating a bigger mess for me to pick up. And when I put Audrey down, she screamed because I hadn’t burped her and she’s got a small cold, too, and is congested and fighting sleep like nothing else. And then Claire flipped out over batteries for her fire truck. She took out the old ones and thought they were rechargeable and put them into the charger, only for me to take them out and her start to bawl over the fact that she couldn’t play with it AT THIS VERY MOMENT.
Today, I’m simply angry with everything. I’m angry with the fact that Mae can’t reach anything, but wants everything. NOW. I’m angry that Claire is very sensitive today. I’m angry that Audrey can’t change her own diapers. Most of all, I’m angry with myself for being so short tempered. And that I have not much of a voice to yell with.
Luca’s just playing Legos. So I’m not angry with him.
I guess I’m angry with the fact that as a mostly stay at home mom, I don’t get a break. Even if someone were to come over and watch the kids, I’d still feel responsible to do everything. Even when Matt’s home, I don’t feel like he should be doing everything. As with everything in life, there’s always two sides to everything. Sure, I’m happy I don’t have to work a 40 hour work week away from home, but days like today make me want to put a few kids up for adoption or pray for deafness. Or an extended nap time.
Nine times out of ten, I’m perfectly fine dealing with Mae’s screaming and Claire’s overwhelming amount of emotion, but today I just am not. And I make no apology for that. It’s dreary outside, I feel like garbage, and I simply don’t feel like taking care of anyone else.
So while I type, Mae is sitting across from me crying. And I’m kind of ignoring it. Because I just don’t care. She’s crying over something so mundane that even on a good day I’d tell her to get over.
I’ve read a million times about how stay at home moms have such hard jobs and I’d roll my eyes because it could always be worse. But when I really sit back and look over the past 5 years, I’ve had little breaks and only two vacations and endless diapers and pee on the floor and screams and fits.
And I know that I’ve gotten my fair share of hugs and kisses and drawings and smiles, but piss on that today. Just today. If I get touched by one more human I’m going to flip out.
I know to some, I seem like super mom, but today, I’m not. Today I’m over it. All of it.
I’m sure tomorrow will be better.