A second chance

Today I had an interview with a study group from the University of Pittsburgh on Autism. Because of the age group they were looking for, Luca was the child selected for me to answer questions about.

See, I don’t remember much about Luca from the age of birth to one. I feel near tears the majority of the time I try to remember anything, and eventually give up because it’s just too sad.

PPD is such a bitch.

(But I answered them to the best of my ability and even made myself pretty proud with what I could remember.)

But then Audrey happened. Aside from the fact that Luca looks at her with such adoration it makes my heart sing, she has a lot of similar qualities. She has light eyes, similar facial features and recently she’s discovered her thumb.

(Luca’s been a thumb sucker since the tender age of 4 months. Four years, going strong.)

This morning, at 9:30, Audrey was still sleeping. By 10, I finally got a little worried, because my mind always goes to the worst, and when I peeked in on her, she was half awake sucking her thumb. When I opened her blinds and turned off the white noise, she looked up at me, thumb in her mouth and a smile went across her lips.

I had a slightly dramatic response to this, in that, I grabbed the crib and caught my breath.

I had an instant memory of Luca, smiling up at me, thumb in his mouth and smile on his face. He gave me that same look that Audrey was giving me, and for the briefest of moments I thought that maybe one of the reasons Audrey was here to mend my broken heart over the time I lost with Luca. That perhaps, even in the quickest snippet of a memory, that I could have my baby boy back that I thought I had lost forever.

Luca is Luca and Audrey is Audrey. I know this. But ever since Audrey has been a thing, she’s been changing our lives. If that means that second by second I can start to put back together all the memories I thought I had lost from Luca, then I’ll take it.

I’m so thankful for my little Rosie. While I know she’s going to do what she wants and be who she wants to be, her mild temperament just screams Luca. And if you’ve ever met him, you’d agree – that is a wonderful thing.


About Cassie

Two sisters from two misters. What could be more fun?

Posted on July 10, 2013, in Cassie. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes. What a gift for today.

  2. I did not realize you went through PPD. I can’t imagine. I am glad that you had that experience today and hope you will have many more like it.

  3. This is such a sweet, touching post. I’m so glad you were able to capture your feelings so well. You’ve been through a lot, mama. Keep on keeping on.

  4. I’ve always thought Audrey looked like Luca, and I’m so happy for you that she continues to surprised you with little moments of unbounded joy. đŸ™‚

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