The red eye(s)

I try not to complain. I really do. I find it counterproductive and I think, for me, it just adds to the anxiety.

But a few weeks ago, as you know, my kids were all sick. Audrey was at the ER, and the other three were all suffering from various colds and ear infections. I’ve dragged the kids to the doctors so many times now that when we show up, they smile at me and send us straight back to the room.

Each and every time we’ve gone, I’ve hoped that it was all in my head and I could get on with my day, but each time it was something. An ear infection, questionable strep throat, Audrey so congested she’s retracting while breathing and needed hour long nebulizer treatments…it just hasn’t stopped.

Sunday I made the mistake of patting myself on the back – that I got all the kids through their illnesses before Matt had to go to Seattle on business.

I was wrong.

Out of nowhere today Mae spiked a fever and had rather violent chills and refused to eat dinner. She cried as I made her go potty. She cried as I put her favorite nightgown on her. And she cried when I told her I couldn’t lay with her until she fell asleep because Claire was downstairs feeding Audrey dinner.

When I sang her “Twinkle, Twinkle” as I always do before bed, she didn’t even sing the final word ARE like she does every night. My heart broke.

I guess you could say I’m angry. For the past few weeks I have been beyond stressed and maybe it’s my stubborn pride, but I’ve asked for little help and I’ve hardly complained. And I’m paying for it now. I’m so tired. I’m frustrated. I’m drained. I’ve been fighting off this cold for a week now and I think I’m just refusing to believe that I, too, could end up sick.

Put yourself in my shoes for one minute if you could. Imagine packing up three sometimes four kids in this weather. Dragging them to the doctors. Explaining to them that they need to be on their best behavior. Having them wait to be seen. Holding a baby who wants to crawl all over the place. Trying to keep your face calm as your kid gets their throat swabbed. Getting them to put their coats back on while holding the baby. Answering the endless amounts of questions. Listening to Mae scream because she can’t zip her coat. Getting them back in the car. Listening to Mae scream as she fights her car seat belt. Trying not to yell. And then doing this again and again and again.

I haven’t been able to do simple things like grocery shop in weeks. Matt’s had to stop after work and I haven’t been cooking like I usually do. For me, that’s upsetting. Every single ounce of normalcy has gone so far out the window lately that I don’t even remember what it’s like to bake cookies. Or not serve up leftovers, or hell, eat sitting down. Someone’s always sad or snotty or sick and I just can’t.

I’ve seriously run myself so thin I don’t have anything left of me to give.

So for the first time in months, I cried. I threw one giant pitty party and didn’t feel regretful. If there’s one thing I’ve earned, it’s that.

And what I think is most upsetting is that tomorrow is Thursday. Mae’s favorite day of the week and she may have to miss dance class.

So Matt’s taking a red eye home and should be home in questionable zombie form by 9 am tomorrow. My mother in law will also be here to help. I’m hoping with wine. Because along with the tears, I earned that.

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About Cassie

Two sisters from two misters. What could be more fun?

Posted on January 29, 2014, in Cassie. Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. You’re in your own terrible version of the Groundhog Day movie. I know today will be better even if you didn’t get any sleep last night because some reinforcements will be there this morning. You sound like you’re the kind of person who can soldier on and do just fine but that you reach a break point, like an on/off switch rather than a gradual build up to the break point. I’m the same way. You’re so darned competent, and while you are coping in the moment I suspect you don’t feel the need or that it’s appropriate to ask for help. I hope today you can find an hour or two to leave the house on your own, or to take a nap especially if you feel like you are getting sick. I know this is a long public post but I really, really want to provide support to you and to publicly emphasize that I applaud how well you’re handled this challenging month. I also love that Matt understood the urgency of the situation and is coming home today. He gets kudos too. I hope today is better and that if you do get sick it’s manageable and not horrible.

  2. Hang in there, SuperMom! Back-up is on the way and soon you will be able to exhale. 🙂

  3. Oh gosh, Cassie, I am your direct opposite. I ask for help all the time! (Okay, most of the time.) I know what to do if I don’t have help, but I’d rather lean on someone else if I can. Hang in there. Sickness running rampant is THE WORST. And especially when you have to take the kids on multiple trip to doctors and pharmacies. You will be in my thoughts! hang in there. I can send you wine if you want!!

  4. First of all, I don’t think you complained in this post – you simply said how it is, and that is perfectly fine with me. We all know that you are not one to whine, so when you say something’s bad, we know it is.
    And second, holy moly, I think you deserve every bottle of wine you can possibly digest. You’ve been on this trip for weeks now, and I get tired even reading about it. You must be tired to the bone! So, in the spirit of “Do as I say, not as I do” (I am worn thin from months of work without a day off and STILL refuse to ask for help, stupid me …) please take as many naps as you can! I hope you get some rest and some time for yourself in which you don’t have to be there for anybody else every single minute. Thinking of you and sending good thoughts!

  5. I can’t even imagine how worn out you must be…1 sick kid is bad enough, but 3 is unimaginable. I am very reluctant to ever ask for help, so I know that was probably vey hard for you to do…take advantage of your mother in law being thee and get some well deserved rest.

  6. You’re doing great. You’ve been awesome and I hope you can all relax and rest a bit. When my daughter was in school (Oldest of the five middles), I had the four little ones with me. For two doctor visits I just took all four of them. Then the dr told me they’d take two at a time from now on because four was a lot. Whatever. She failed to understand that if two of them had to go somewhere we ALL had to go. So, two had appts and all four kids would be there. HHow that made it easier on the doctor I’ll never know. (Some people are stupid.) Anyway…I mention that because we started going with regular checkups. Then the flu. And like your house, they didn’t just get it then get over it. They got it, passed it around, then started over. Then started it over…after they’d given it to me too. I mean…there’s only so much bodily fluid and crying a person can take on 2 hours of sleep a night. Especially at a time where you most definitely feel so devastatingly outnumbered.

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