Finality

I hit a butterfly with the car today. I was driving on a back road on the way to take Claire to her first tumbling class, and no one was on the road, so I tried to slow and turn away, but it was a butterfly and has no control and died. As I looked in the rearview mirror, hoping that it just flew under and was fine, I thought to myself, Is that all it’s for? To do all that work to grow into a butterfly and just die by the front end of a Volvo?

The gym I primarily work at was sold. No one knows any details and the people who have been staff there for 20 plus years have no idea what will become of it. Will they still have jobs? What will they do for a living? So close to retirement, yet so far. Now what?

The rest of us instructors don’t even know if we will have a job to come back to come September 1 when they turn over to new management and a new franchise.

It’s the unknown that scares me so much sometimes I can hardly breathe. While I’m not type A, I do have some of the tendencies and when I’m not in control, I freak out the most.

I have no control over what may or may not become of a gym I’ve called home for nearly six years. I don’t know if I will be able to continue to instruct there, or if they will rid of the Les Mills umbrella and let us all go. I can just hope it stays the same.

Today I had to be at two places nearly at once. I taught BodyPump in Monroeville, about twenty minutes away. I left on time, but it seems every stop light had it out for me, and when I showed up to teach, I was already five minutes late.

Because of starting five minutes late, I was five minutes late finishing, and that put me ten minutes late to Mae’s dance class.

And as I’m trying to leave to get the kids from daycare, so we can quick rush out the door and drive back to Fox Chapel for dance, a few of the members came up to tell me what a wonderful experience they had with me as an instructor and that they wish I had a permanent class there. I smiled and thanked them, but couldn’t linger, because I had to go, and while I do love a nice compliment, I thanked them profusely and ran out the door.

Only to find I left my phone, making me later.

On the way from the gym in Monroeville to Mae’s dance class, I got so frustrated because, as we know, I was running late but mostly because I couldn’t stay and talk to the nice ladies who were simply grateful to have a positive workout experience. They wanted to revel in their successes and I wanted to encourage them to continue to take classes, but I couldn’t.

And because, again, I was hitting every single red light in town. Even more, because they decided to start a new construction zone right in front of me on the turnpike. So as we drove down the highway, going 35 MPH with a flashing arrow truck in front of me, I snapped. I started saying please, over and over and over again to the construction truck in front of me. No construction was happening. No cones were out. But the truck was blocking us and time was ticking away on the clock making me later and later for Mae and her dance.

Right before I started to swear, I turned on the radio, and one of the kids’ favorite songs was playing, “Love Somebody” by Maroon 5. They all started to sing.

So while I was in the driver’s seat, stewing in frustration, the kids were singing, “Woaaaaah! Ooooooh! Oh, oh, oh!” and I stopped to smile for a brief moment before I went back into anger mode.

When I got within a few miles of dance class, I noticed my smoothie cup had spilled and what small amount I was unable to get out when I was drinking it many hours prior, spilled all over the passenger seat.

Seriously.

Little thing, after little thing, after little thing continued to build and build, until I drove up to dance class and ran Mae in and shuffled her into the door, apologizing profusely to her instructor who smiled and didn’t even seem to mind.

Neither did Mae.

And so when I sat there and was telling one of the other dance moms my morning of woe, I suddenly felt so silly.

None of the members minded I was late. They were simply thankful someone filled in for the regular instructor who was on vacation.

The kids didn’t mind that I was running late to dance class, most of all Mae. She was just glad she got to go.

And the kids also thought it was hilarious when they saw green goo spilled all over the passenger seat. So there’s that.

I built all this up in my head.

So the gym is going to be sold. In a few months, I may or may not have a job there. There’s nothing I can do about it. I’m sad, yes, but who knows. Maybe there’s other opportunities for me elsewhere. Maybe I can push more to have a regular class at the gym in Monroeville. I’m proud to say my instructing status is positive and is being discussed amongst the members, and that’s who it matters to the most.

Maybe there’s a gym out there I’ve never been to before that I could end up teaching at.

I have no idea.

So this morning, I thought I was that butterfly destined for the grill of a Volvo, because I put everything on my shoulders, and the weight of it was crushing me. But this evening, looking back on the fact that I: taught BodyPump, took Mae to dance, went to the Y to coach, took Claire to tumbling, taught RPM and met a friend for dinner, all while Matt is out of town on buisness…I got through today.

And that’s okay.

 

Advertisements

About Cassie

Two sisters from two misters. What could be more fun?

Posted on July 10, 2014, in Cassie. Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. Having been in a similar head space due to a fear of the unknown at work this week, I really needed to read this and be reminded to breathe. I seem to snowball into a funk whenever there is something bothering me over which I feel like I have no control and when I have not yet accepted that I have no control. Then like you I remember that I can plan for contingencies and remember that there is usually a silver lining….

  2. Sometimes you sound like my twin … I am almost sure I would have reacted the same way, but I don’t know if I could have processed it that quickly and if I could have gotten myself out of it as fast as you did!!
    I have three jobs, and I always thought that, while it is a lot of organisational work, I love all three of them and I at least will never be completely without a job. Now I will lose one at the end of August (enforced redundancy), the other one finishes at the end of September, and even the third one might end in autumn. But in the end, at least with two of them I know what will happen (the not-knowing really gets me down), and there will be other jobs I love. I see it as an opportunity to try new things – change is good! (I need to remind myself of that soooo often…)

    • But all the same, it’s hard leaving a job or losing a job. Even though someone else is making that decision.

      Change is good, most of the time. But I hate that I’m losing a bit of my family.

      On Tue, Jul 22, 2014 at 2:38 AM, Sisters From Different Misters wrote:

      >

      • Oh, sure! Of course it is hard, and I did not want my comment to come across as belittling that! The positive stuff I said is something I remind myself of when I feel sad and afraid of the unsure future, and I don’t always believe it…
        I hope that you get to stay in the gym as an instructor and will get to keep your gym-family!

      • Oh! I was just commiserating with you. I’m sure it’s not easy for you, too. Solidarity!

        Sent from my iPhone

        >

      • 🙂
        Yes, solidarity! Let’s hope all works out, somehow.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: