A follow up to the flood
Look, I’m not a negative person by nature, and I do try to keep things positive, because let’s face it, one of my life mottos is to grin and bear it when things get tough, but I’m over today.
Something people tell me often is that I’m a super mom.
I am not.
And sometimes, when I’m doing something un-supermom like, I feel even more guilty for that.
There are times when I’m doing or saying something, that my mind kind of comes away from my body and I think, “Why are you saying that? Why can’t you stop?” as I see my kid’s face crumble before my eyes. And I know I shouldn’t say that. I know I should breathe and count to ten. I know I should do better. But in the moment; in that moment, I cannot.
Then I think about how my kids will talk to their future spouses about how mom was crazy and used to yell at them over stupid stuff.
Right now I’m not in control. For those that know me, know that I am a control freak. I’m the first to admit it. I wasn’t as a kid, and really not so much until I had kids. Something in me snapped and I had to be on top of the situation, all the time. I’m not OCD, I just feel like if I’m the one in charge, it gets done right.
I’m not in charge, because I have holes everywhere. I’m not in charge because I can’t make dinners like I used to. I’m not in control because Claire has softball that conflicts with my work schedule and I have to arrange for her to get there. I’m not in control because the water ruined my TV and surround sound so I can’t watch Grey’s Anatomy, like I do every Thursday night.
I’m not in control because the garbage disposal decided to come loose and kick out the pipes and I’m so tired right now that my brain can’t even begin to figure out what is wrong with it to fix it.
I’m not in control because my brain isn’t letting me focus, because when I’m tired, everything looks wrong. For example, I just looked at the word does for the longest time because I swear it’s spelled wrong, but NOPE, MacBook says it’s correct. My brain won’t even let me be in control. Talk about a major dis.
I just need to get this all out now, because in the morning I’ll be fine and the hate fire I’m feeling right now will be gone.
Thursdays have been my Achilles heel for a while now, and it’ll be this way for another few weeks. Once June rolls around, it’ll be gravy train, and I’ll be back to normal, but right now there’s too many things, and I’m not a patient enough person to do it with a smile.
It just so happens that Thursdays coincide with water issues, and I’m just not a fan.
A lot of times, when I get this frustrated and overwhelmed, people will recommend I get help at home. I’m glad that people are concerned for me, because that is super comforting, but alas, it’s really not the issue.
It’s me. It’s just my control issues. My need to have things done on my time; My issues with patience. I’m a work in progress, and I had been doing a good job, until the whole house flooded and it went downhill. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this frustrated. But today when the sink started leaking everywhere and Claire said, “Uh, is that supposed to happen?” and I was on my hands and knees looking for the source of the problem, covered in sink contents, I lost it. I cleaned it up the best I could, but when I saw that I had burned my sweet potatoes, I slammed the wooden spoon on the stove a few times, causing Claire to cry.
And I felt horrible.
But tell me, that’s human, right? That’s not something a babysitter could help. That’s not something that a person, at the end of a very busy day, would handle with a smile and a laugh, right? Because we were already past bedtime, Audrey was mad at her dinner, Mae was whining about something, and the cats were at my feet, because I hadn’t fed them yet, and Beau just ate his own poop outside.
We all have our own problems. Maybe by reading my rant, your problem won’t sound so bad, or maybe it’ll sound familiar. I’m just frustrated with today, frustrated that this kind of stuff always happens when Matt travels, and frustrated that I can’t handle life with more grace.
I feel better already.
Posted on April 30, 2015, in Cassie. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.
Sisters From Different Misters 
Yes. That is human. Yes.
I think for us all there comes a point at which we are just done, and it is too much, and we just can’t do it anymore, bear it anymore, keep up with it anymore. For you this point may come with much more on your plate than for other people, but just because you normally do more than a lot of other people doesn’t mean that you have to be able to deal with everything – you don’t have to be able to hold it together all the time!
No, you are not super-mom, but I do think you are a super good mom. Yes, you lose it once in a while, and yes, your kids may have some stories about how crazy you were after your house was flooded, or in whatever situation, but I bet they will have even more stories to tell about how you cared for them, drove them everywhere, worked in so many different gyms, went on vacation with them, danced with them, laughed with them, were silly with them and so on.
I am a perfectionist myself, and I just realized the other day (during a very frustrating moment, which I handled with so little grace that it is embarrassing; there was yelling and tears) that I do prefer to do everything myself because I really think many other people won’t do it good enough, or rather: perfectly. And it kind of shocked me, because it is quite arrogant of me to think that way. And then I thought, maybe this is the perfect way for me to practise being happy with “good enough”: letting other people do things which, yes, I might do differently, and at times even better than they do it, but: if they do it good enough, and are satisfied with their job, why shouldn’t I be happy with it? I don’t know if it works, but I’ll try.
And one idea (feel free to ignore this paragraph if you just can’t stand suggestions of other people right now): Since your Thursdays are always so full-on, maybe for those Thursdays when Matt is out of town you could ask somebody if he or she could come over to help with kids/dogs/cats/dinner/… etc. Even if he or she just plays with the kids this might take some of the pressure off? I don’t know…
Hope you don’t mind the extremely long comment, and hope your Friday will be a very good day!
Cassie, I love that you are so honest… and yes, we all have times like that. You just keep having them come at you right now. A string of bad things always bring a few different thoughts to me. My mom (who practiced Astrology) would always say, well Mercury is retrograde… or some other planetary reason. Our pastor would teach that God wouldn’t put any burden in your path that he hasn’t already given you the tools to deal with… this is just teaching you that you have the tools. Then there is the “you get back what you put back into the universe”, so just keep moving through with as positive an attitude as you can.
Those all sound great, but in the moment… we snap. I am the “Switzerland” in my family. Always neutral, always problem solving, always re-directing. My husband gets frustrated with it and my son counts on it. That does give me an advantage… when I do finally blow, it is a short burst like a bolt of lightning, then everyone around me realizes that maybe they need to step back and think about what they can do to help calm the environment. Your kids aren’t quite that age yet, but I know subconsciously they probably do already. I am sorry that Claire got upset, but she will not be any worse for it. Like Ian, she probably was crying as much for how upset you were because you weren’t in control… and couldn’t figure out how to help.
I can’t imagine having four kids. There are days I can’t handle the one. But I am sure you are like me and would not trade even one good thing (Audrey’s Soupie, Mae’s dancing, Lucas’ legos, and Claire’s big heart) to have all the bad go away.
We love you sweetheart… run that journey the best you can. There will be twists, turns, holes, and hills to get over, but damn if I don’t know that if anyone is going to get over them, you will.
Hang in there. When my son was little I found my patience wearing thin frequently and I would snap and scream at him about the most ridiculous stuff. I have one child and that is partially because when he was little, I couldn’t imagine finding the patience for another kid. Now he is 12, he has been easy to handle for quite a few years, and I am more patient. Still, I sometimes regret that I yelled as much as I did when he was little and that I couldn’t find the patience or time or money or whatever to give him the siblings he always asked for. But now I am north of 40 and really can’t imagine doing it all over again, so it is what it is and we will all have to make the best of our tiny little family and I hope he isn’t too far upset about being the one who has to take care of me and my husband when we are old!
Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I hope things look up soon. 🙂
Just because you’re a Super Mom doesn’t mean you have to be perfect. You still get to be human.