Feeling failure, seeing truth.

I had a long blog written up about how annoyed I get when people say to me, “Well, of course you’re in shape – you teach.” I basically go on a rant about how yes, while I do need to be in shape because I do in fact teach fitness classes, I’m still up there working just as hard. Who knows, maybe harder? 

Teaching classes isn’t just about the physical fitness of the instructor, though. It also has a lot to do with preparation. Not only do I teach during my designated hour, I also spend a lot of time preparing for the classes. There are days when I go through track after track, sometimes with kids on my shoulders to imitate the weight I’d use during Body Pump, just to make sure that the members have a good experience. There are times when I sit and listen to the same song, over and over again, to make sure I have it just right. Sometimes I listen to the same songs so much that even my kids can sing along. 

I’ve been told so many times in so many different ways, “You must love being forced to workout.” Sort of, I suppose. In a way, I guess I do. But here’s the thing – even if I didn’t teach, I’d still be there, at the gym, reaching goals I’ve set for myself. What most people don’t realize is that while I’m teaching and educating, I too, have goals. I, too, want to get stronger, fitter, healthier. I, too, want to be there. Not just because I get paid. Not just because I’m in the front, leading the class. But because I want others to see that I’m working hard, too. That just because I’m the instructor, it doesn’t mean it’s easy. 

I still look in the mirror and some days don’t like what I see. I don’t say it out loud, but I think it. I think about all the ways I should work harder. All the ways I can improve. We all do this. I know I’m not alone. 

But then I step back and remind myself that I can only do this one day at a time. That I’m doing my very best. That where I am, right now, is better than where I was yesterday. 

I bet I’m not the only instructor who feels this way. 

When someone new starts taking a class of mine, first thing I tell them is, “If this is something you plan on sticking with – take measurements and a photo. Don’t rely on the scale.” I tell them this, because days like I had last week, happen. You look in the mirror and you don’t see improvement. You see a number on the scale and it isn’t what you hoped for. You feel a little extra jiggle and you over analyze. You don’t feel beautiful in your clothes. 

So I drag out those photos and I see facts. I see growth. I see strength and improvement. I may feel bloated and gross, but that feeling will pass. I look at those photos. We all have our inner battles. We all have our issues. Last week I felt like a failure who has made zero progress. But in fact, when I looked in the mirror…

 

I saw me. 

The forgotten one.

I’m laying in bed and I can’t sleep. My head is swimming with a million different things. But mostly – On Wednesday, my only son will be going off to kindergarten. I’m not sure how I feel about it. He’s ready, that’s for certain. But I feel as though he will be forgotten.

I often refer to Luca as my forgotten child. Not forgotten by me, hopefully. One thing I pride myself in as a parent is the fact that I give each of my kids the attention they deserve. While it often seems like the girls get all my attention because of Claire’s taekwondo and fundraising and Audrey’s the baby, and everyone loves Mae, Luca gets a lot of stolen moments.

I had never put a lot of stock into why Luca is my forgotten one until a bit ago, on his birthday, when someone mentioned that Mae got as many (if not more) ‘likes’ as Luca did in two separate photos I posted and subsequently how they felt bad for him. Like he would know or something.

One was a happy birthday message to Luca and the other was many hours later when Mae had her first dentist appointment. She, of course, was sitting in the dentists chair with her tutu on (because it was Thursday) and sunglasses giving me the most sassy face. I will admit, it was adorable.

I honestly don’t pay attention to likes. Maybe I should. To me, I post things on Facebook mostly because it’s my way of having adult interaction. Obviously I don’t get out much and it’s helpful. But curiosity spoke volumes and I went back and looked at photos I’ve posted over the years and found that across the board, Luca always got less love via that like button.

Social media has such a funny way of messing with your head if you let it. For a solid week I let it get to me. I never mentioned it to anyone, I just kept thinking of all the reasons why this is. Is it because he’s quiet? Bookish? Tends to be Claire’s shadow? Do I not talk enough about him? Do I not show the world how much I love him? Because anyone who knows me knows how I feel about that sweet boy. Do I not show him enough? We often share secrets and our favorite ones to tell each other is, “I love you very much,” whispered into my ear.

He’s a sweet, wonderful boy and he shouldn’t be forgotten.

So in honor of my favorite little dude entering kindergarten, I’m going to write a list of things about him that you may not know.

1. He can quote the majority of the Lego Movie. He also can tell you the name of every character, even the spaceman. (He’s Benny.)

2. He likes to sing to Raffi in his room while playing with Legos.

3. He likes audio books.

4. He can read very well.

5. His favorite color is orange.

6. Every night he gathers up a select few Legos to bring up into his loft bed. He specifically calls them his “Nighttime Legos.”

7. His favorite food is taquitos. With guacamole.

8. When he got his front tooth removed by the dentist, he never once complained. Not a one.

9. He loves Audrey. Like. He is ridiculously patient with her. It’s kind of incredible.

10. When we go to the track for runs, he immediately drops his water bottle and runs. He just loves to run.

11. He loves tomatoes.

12. He could sit and look at his Lego building idea books for hours.

13. He saves all of his Lego building instructions and uses them often.

14. Comfy pants are his favorite things to wear. Even if it’s 90 and humid.

15. He’s a thumb sucker and loves his chickie blankie. And it doesn’t bother me one bit.

Matt had asked the other day if we were going to have Luca do soccer, or baseball, or something, and I smiled and assured Matt that Luca is very happy just living life and being a kid. He goes to tae kwon do and does well enough. He reads. He builds. He imagines. He doesn’t need organized sports or a Saturday morning rush from one game to the next. Maybe some day. But for now, in this moment, he’s doing just fine.

And perhaps, just maybe, he enjoys flying under the radar.

It’s official. Today was kick-ass!

Today was one of those days that restored my faith in humanity. Everyone I encountered was kind and helpful and just overall pleasant. First, this morning, Ben and I took Miss Claire and Luca-man to the Pittsburgh Zoo and Aquarium. I mean, who doesn’t want to start their day listening to ferocious lions roar and watch hungry gorillas eat a breakfast of broccoli, lettuce, grapefruit, and apples? Because we were there first thing in the morning (actually the second family in line for our tickets), we got to enjoy the whole zoo virtually alone. This made me super happy because I generally don’t like other people’s kids, especially in mass quantity. Claire and Luca were (or course) little angels. Here are some photos:  

Scary lion!

 

Grinning in anticipation!

The deer tried to eat Luca

After I was done with the day’s nanny-ing duties, Ben and I went to Trader Joe’s. Usually this is a daunting task because the store and parking lot are too small and millions of people shop there. But I was in desperate need of veggie broth so we braved the journey. Wouldn’t you know, the place was virtually empty! I could actually look at all the different products in the aisles without being trampled by soccer moms and hippies. Plus the guy who checked our groceries out was super adorable and genuinely nice. 

 

   

When we finally got back to my apartment I found a nice note on my door from my neighbor, thanking Ben and I for rescuing his cats a few days ago. We didn’t really “rescue” them, but we did find them wandering aimlessly around in front of his apartment. Apparently they had knocked the window screen out and jumped outside. However, once they were outside, they had no idea what to do next, so they just looked generally confused. Ben and I shoved them back in through the window and closed it, leaving a note on the dude’s door, because in all honesty, we didn’t know if the cats belonged to this guy or not. So anyway, that was nice to get a thank you note back.  

   

Throughout the day, I noticed other pleasantries and random acts of kindness. On the interstate, a group of ladies were stopped with a flat tire and a nice man in a cement truck had stopped to change it. People held doors for others, strangers were ready with a smile, and no one cut me off in traffic. It’s unfortunate that days like this are so rare, but maybe that makes us appreciate them all the more.  

   

Did everyone else have a nice day today?

Ser-G-I-O, Ser-G-I-O, and Sergio was his name-o!

Well, I’m on vacation. Thank God I’m on vacation. Although, right now is the most ridiculous time for me to be on vacation with papers, comps, graduation, and job hunting weighing heavy on my shoulders. But, nonetheless, I’m on vacation. In Chicago. With my mom. And flat Cassie. Visiting Heather. Heather is my other “mom”. Or my “sister”. Let me explain…

Mom and I really wanted Cassie to come on vacation this weekend with us, but she has responsibilities, like work and kids and stuff. So, since Cassie couldn’t be with us, we thought of the next best thing. Flat Cassie. Here’s a picture:On one side, Cassie is happy, on the other she is disgruntled. Everywhere we go, flat Cassie comes with us, too. Flat Cassie pumped gas, she drank wine,  ate birthday cake, ate her veggies, got a mani and pedi, and had dinner at a nice French restaurant with our fabulous waiter, Sergio.

During our mani/pedi today my mother (Lynn) was asked if she was not only my mother, but Heather’s mother too. Poor Lynn is only four years older than Heather. I would’ve assumed people would think they were BOTH my mothers. You know, like lovers or something. Lol!

We all wish the real Cassie was here, but flat Cassie has been a riot. Tomorrow, she’ll ride up front with us on the way home, kind of like a mascot. We heart you Cassie!

Co-parenting with the neighbors. Cat edition.

Our cat, Moose is an orange tabby who marches to the beat of his own drum and doesn’t really give a flying f*** what others think of him. We acquired him after the unfortunate death of Apple the kitten who died during my first trimester with Claire. It was tragic and sudden and when you’re on a hormonal rampage like I was, it sucks extra bad. Then to add insult to injury, our long time cat Bungee the Siamese ended up developing diabetes, so we shipped him back to my parents. I was catless.

So being pregnant and extra emotional, Matt suggested we go to the Animal Rescue League and adopt a new cat. When we got there I instantly fell in love with Moose. He was the cat who got my attention by clawing at me through the cage. Matt instantly fell in love with a cat who was meowing and purring up against the cage. We were torn.

So being pregnant and extra manipulative, I suggested we get both. This is how we came to have Moose and Lila.

Moose lived with us for a whole year before he started to befriend our neighbors’ cat, Phantom. Phantom is an indoor cat, but would sit in the window and watch Moose when he’d come up to their deck. Then he started to befriend Phantom’s owner, Jen. Then slowly, but surely, Moose started to mosey on into their house and make himself at home. (I’m sure Phantom wasn’t too happy about that.)

For the past year or so, we’ve been co-parenting our cat.

When the idea of Matt and I possibly moving to Philadelphia, we had asked Jen if she’d be willing to take Moose since we wouldn’t be able to take him with. She happily agreed. Then we decided not to move and so Moose continued to go between houses.

Then Chris and Jen put their house up for sale to buy a new house down the street about a mile. We loosely discussed the possibility of Moose going to live with them when they moved. Then we’d talk more seriously back and forth on Facebook and decided that Moose would be much happier with Jen. Moose could only handle so many tail pulls in one day. Lila on the other hand is a slut for attention and will take it however it comes.

Jen came over last night to pick up Moose and take him to his new house. I was singing “Movin’ on up,” all day to him since their new house is large and in charge. Jen said, “Are you sure you can part with him?” I shouted to Matt in the dining room and said, “Matt, Moose is leaving.” Matt yelled back, “BYE MOOSE.” I looked at Jen and said, “It’s going to be just fine.”

So now we’re a one cat and one dog house and that’s just fine with my asthmatic husband. He got to keep HIS cat. I’m just happy Moose is happy, because the poor guy was tortured here by the kids and Matt. I’m going to miss him, but to be completely honest, he was hardly around and when he was, he was hiding in the basement or sleeping on the couch out of reach.

I’ll see him on the 31st. We’re heading over to watch the Pens game and I hope his new diggs won’t change him too much.

He fell down the stairs.

I have to write this out otherwise I’m going to start to bawl again.

Sadie-dog has some GI issues going on. Nasty diarrhea and the whole bit. She likes to pick the rug, not the wood floor or linoleum to do her business. She never poops in the house, either. So I knew she was pretty sick.

Anywho, we had her living in the unfinished basement since yesterday, but being as skiddish as she is, she would bolt for the upstairs as soon as an opportunity presented itself.

I got home from the gym with the kids, set Luca down on the kitchen floor so he could roam about and proceeded to try to coax Sadie back to the basement. I got her cornered in the front hall and then I heard the most horrible, gut wrenching sound…every parent’s worst nightmare…THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD.

He fell down the stairs.

Not carpeted stairs with a nice soft landing base…no. The basement stairs with the wood exposed and concrete floor landing.

I flew down the stairs and got to him as he started to scream. His mouth was bloodied from his little teeth going through his lip and his head had bumps all over it.

I called Matt and told him he needed to come home right away and then I proceeded to call my Mom and screamed in the phone, “Luca fell down the stairs, what should I do?!?” (And yes, I’m a nurse, but there’s a time and place where Moms trump nursing.)

She said I should go to the hospital to check him out and to call her when I got there. Problem is, my cell phone was dying and I couldn’t find my charger. I called work and asked Lisa to try to call Matt since I couldn’t get through to him and let him know I was going to the hospital (my job) and he should meet us there, not at home.

Luca screamed bloody murder, but thank God he was fine. The doctor looked him over and said to keep an eye on him for an hour or so in the ER and then we could go home. I fed him and he didn’t vomit, so we knew it wasn’t a bad head injury.

We got home and Luca was back at it, crawling all over the place and enjoying his yogurt for dinner. He’s going to be just fine, I know, but it is still so scary.

I just now stopped shaking. That was the worst experience of my life up until now. I never want to feel this way ever again.

Happy Birthday, Claire!

 

Happy Birthday my beautiful baby girl. While you may only be two, you are my everything. You make me feel forever young with your love for doggies and the Hot Dog song. Always seeing the positive sides of things and being so gosh darn cute. You love your brother more than I could have ever imagined and love to give him kisses. Despite the fact that your favorite phrase is, “No baby!” you do know how to share. I watch you every day and hope that I never take you for granted, because you, Claire Raelyn, are the most beautiful girl I have ever come to know, inside and out.

While you will have your occasional tantrums and refuse to eat this or that, your constant genuineness is never far behind.

You love me and Daddy so much and we love you for it. Seeing your smiling face in the morning, when you make me laugh, when you give me kisses just because…I am the luckiest Mom in the whole world.

“Uppie pease,” is a favorite and while most of us don’t give in, there are a few who are forever melted by how adorable you are. Even now just looking at you melts my heart.

I wish for you to stay genuine and kind. To always find joy in the simple things and to always love yourself for who you are. Because who you are, my little Bubba Bean, is a creative, kind, sweet hearted girl whos imagination has no limit.

Thank you for being my daughter.